(Closed) Younger moms vs. Older moms

posted 8 years ago in Parenting
Post # 62
Member
6014 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

My mom had 3 kids when she was late teens/early 20s and then me and my younger brother when she was in her 40’s.  Thank you so very much god for making me part of the “second” set.  

 

When my Mother was raising the “first” set, she was an impatient crazy woman who worked a fulltime job, was a single mother and had three kids that were WILD.  She loved them very much, she just had no idea what life was about or what she herself was about. She was amazing and provided for her kids as good a life as she could, but no extra’s. 

 

As an older Mom she had come to terms about herself as a person, knew who she was, open about her mistakes, patient and loving.  My friends all thought she was younger than their parents.  She gave great advice to her younger friends about parenting.  I think she got to enjoy us more, because of where she was in her life and made sure to have fun this time.  She finally had time to volunteer, go to soccer games, swimming, baseball and basketball.   Keep in mind that all this time of raising her second set… she was the grandmother of 4 kids, and helped take care of them, went to their events. She was busy and loved getting to spend time with her family, completely different than the first three kids.

I’m not bashing young Mom’s.  I just know how my Mom was at two different completely times in her life, as a Mom. 

Post # 64
Member
257 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Most people think that Fiance and I are a lot older than we are however, since age has very little to do with maturity. He has a very well paying job that will allow me to go back to school online whole still raising our daughter and not have to work. I do have 4 years of college under my belt but I didn’t know what I wanted to do and I have traveled. He was raised by a single mom and had two very intellectually disabled sisters, that he did help to raise whole working 2+ jobs and going to school.

Granted the vast majority of young women aren’t in a place to have a family.  I think that being a great mom has very little to do with age and a lot to do with maturity.  

Post # 65
Member
4464 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

I will be a young mom, but I respect and value the wisdom that older moms can bring to the table. My mom was 30 when she had me, and 34 when she had my sister. Not technically “older,” but older than the women my age that are having kids now (22) – very common in my culture and expected to have kids very young. I see that with a close family friend who was also around the same age as my mom when she had her first – a little younger. She was married for four years before conceiving, which is very rare in my circles. Her husband and her were able to save up and moved into a beautiful home a few months after their first was born. She is a Stay-At-Home Mom and is now on three kids. I see so many benefits to establishing yourself in life first. As I said above, I am planning on being a young mom (23), but I would never disparage someone for choosing a different life track. One of my students’ moms is pregnant right now and she’s 41 – it’s her fourth – and everyone is really happy for her. 

Post # 66
Member
492 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Oh man I can’t imagine having kids already (I’m 27). Most of my friends and my sisters have kids and frankly it just does not seem very appealing to me. I like traveling (without children), I’m not financially stable yet (still fulltime student), not married (obviously) and I just plain feel too young to be reproducing. I feel 16 in my old body.

Post # 67
Member
2944 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I wanted to start TTC about 8 years ago (am almost 33yo now), but then-FI decided he would rather wait. A few years later, now married and holding decent jobs, I wanted to TTC, and ExH wanted to wait for more financial stability. Argh. That being said, it was a blessing in disguise. Aside from my marriage failing, I was not nearly the strong and more clear-headed person then that I am now. Life threw some curveballs my way, and while it isn’t ideal or what I initially wanted, in the end it’s better for everyone involved that I’m going to end up as a slightly older mom. Fiance is 50yo, so yeah, older dad for sure!

 

There are pros and cons to the whole younger vs older mom, but in the end, it’s about being the best parents we can be. Live and let live I say. Good luck with TTC, OP!

Post # 68
Member
692 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

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@mjoyelle:  This exactly.  You can never know what lies ahead, it could be a divorce or difficult job situation (I wish we’d waited) or infertility (I wish we hadn’t waited).  I was actually talking with DH not too long ago about how weird it is that our life expectancy has gotten so much longer, but our fertility window kind of hasn’t.  We used to have kids in our teens through mid 20s because we weren’t expecting to live past 60, even as recent as our grandparents’ generation.  Now its not unheard of to live past 100, but we still have this societal pressure to become moms in our 20s because your (late) 30s represents some horrible boogeyman of making getting pregnant no longer guarenteed (its never guarenteed)

 

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@texasbee:  I saw that thread and didn’t respond, because it did seem a little…. strange?  But I think most of the posters were just so young that to them, 30 or 35 seems really far away right now.  Even at 27, 35 is eight years away for me and I personally feel like if I reach that point with no success I might just resign myself to a childless life.  That has less to do with the number 35, though, and more to do with that marking eight years of trying.

Post # 70
Member
3063 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

My mom has been on both ends of the spectrum. She had me when she was 18 and she had my youngest sister when she was 41. She was just as good of a mom raising me while she was young as she is now raising my baby sister.

Post # 71
Member
1202 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

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@Wonderstruck:  I think you read my post wrong. I  don’t think that being a young parent vs older makes people overall better or worse… SOME people… absolutely. Do I feel I’ll be a better parent now than if I were 25? A million percent!  But I’m sure there are some 25 year olds who led different lives/different experiences who will be just as great a parent at 22 as I will be at 37.

Sadly yes… my friends who had children in their late teens/early 20s were single parents during an already difficult time in their lives.  My friends who were early to mid 20s who married and had children …. some are VERY happy but many are now single or felt they missed out on a lot.  These are people I know… I”m not saying it’s the majority of people in the world who feel this way.

So saying someone is a good parent but then saying they have regrets or envy for not waiting is NOT contradictory. I’m not saying their voicing wishing they waited makes them bad parents. It does not … at all. They made sacrifices for their children that obviously, at that age, I chose not to make by waiting to have children.  Maybe I’m selfish for it… but I”ve experienced all I dreamed at the ages I’d hoped to. Could I have done those things in my 40s/50s/60s? Sure… though I expect with the cost of college nowaways and amount of dipping into savings raising a child will require to make it a bit more difficult… but I chose to do these things in my 20s and early 30s.  It doesn’t make me a better parent or a worse person. OP asked for situations in which women waited to have their first and why and the benefits. I Pointed out mine.

And I assure you there are plenty of threads pointing out when it’s “too late” to have a baby and many posters saying it’s “selfish” to be past a certain age. 

Post # 72
Member
1202 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

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@FLBlonde93:  My genetesist laughed when she said she had to see me because of my “Advanced age” (37)… she said those studies are dated and she finds no backing of a noticeable increase of risks etc. She said she seems more and more women waiting until later in life to have a child.

Post # 73
Member
1376 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Oh geez, can we stop the judging on both sides? There’s upsides and downsides to both being a younger parent and an older parent.

 

Personally, I had older parents (35 at my birth) and I’m glad to have parents who waited until they were able to bring maturity and financial and martial stability to parenthood. (Not that young parents can never do that, but knowing what I know about my parents, the extra years did serve them well.) Does that mean there aren’t drawbacks? Of course there are. I (and my future children) will probably have less time with them. Doesn’t make my parents selfish at all in my eyes (and if it did I would be a hypocrite because I am waiting until my 30s to have kids myself).

 

In contrast, I have a friend who had her first child at 23 (which is almost like being a teen mother in my social group). Fast-forward almost five years later and her marriage is still happy, they are far from wealthy but their children are well provided for and the kids are thriving. She and her husband are completely done with kids so by the time she is in her mid-40s, they will be able to pursue all the things they missed out on in their 20s. I never would have choosen that life for myself (I loved my carefree 20s and would’ve regretted settling down that early) but it’s worked out very well for her.

 

So yeah. People make the best decisions for themselves and for their families and unless the parent is too young or too old to reasonably provide for their child (16 is too young and 60 is too old) then I’ll MMOB.

Post # 74
Member
1202 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

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@worldtraveler:  Eh I don’t think many of the posts are blasting either side… some are taking offense to those answering the OP’s question… which was the experience of people who chose to be older moms and how they felt about their decision to wait.. or experience of having to wait. I feel like those who did NOT chose to wait are taking offense to some of our personal reasoning for why ….

Just seems hypocritical based on other threads I’ve seen…. ah well:)

 

The one regret I will have is less time with my little guy…. but then again, I believe in the butterfly effect and had I had a baby in my early 20s, there is no guarantee where I’d be in life. People live to be over 100. People die in their 30s.  No guarantee. Best case scenerio, I WILL have less time with him.. and that does suck.

 

Post # 75
Member
349 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2008

I’m not sure if there is a “best” age to have a child? I think you get pregnant, then it just goes how it goes. For me personally, pretty much all your points on why it’s good to be an older mom don’t apply. I had DS when I was 23, and we were already completely financially stable with no debt and plenty of savings, so I was able to be a Stay-At-Home Mom for two years before I missed my career too much and decided to go back to work. DS has traveled with us to 14 countries in his 3.5 years -so no shortage of trips there- and traveling with him has been cake. No, I haven’t done and seen everything I want to yet, but there’s no reason why being a young mom has to keep you from accomplishing goals and living out dreams? Obviously I have zero experience as an older mom, but I don’t see why it’s “better” to be one or the other.

Post # 76
Member
1105 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Age has nothing to do with if you’ll be a good mother or not. It’s no-one else’s business how old you are when you have a child. 

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