Post # 47
I married at 21, and two years later we have undergone huge external changes (moving states, new careers, etc), and while I have absolutely changed, grown, and expanded my worldview, my basic values and desires stayed the same, and that’s the glue that binds my husband and I. I have never been so thankful to have his love and support and plain friendship as I have been in the past two years with these monumental changes. If that’s representative of “finding yourself” or “growing and changing” or just “aging”, I hope we never stop that discovery and adventure – it has been amazing, not to mention confirming of the strength of our relationship, and I am so excited to see where we go from here.
So respectfully, Oprah can keep her opinions to herself and let others choose when to marry without judgment. There’s enough problems in marriage at any age without someone else telling you how to live it.
ETA: Also, I answered no to your poll because I don’t believe that your 20’s are when you find out “who you really are” – I believe it’s an ongoing process that starts in childhood and changes the more you experience and the more you age. It’s shortsighted to curb that at a certain age, especially because it’s an age many people on this site will be able to look back and and feel accomplished about when they have no idea how the next 40 years will go.
Post # 48
It really depends on your life experiences. At nearly 30, I would say that my personal “discovery years” were 16-21, although I was still changing somewhat until I was about 25. After that… sure I’ve changed, but I’m pretty much set in my ways now.
But then… I grew up quite fast compared to some. Some people grow up more slowly. Others grow up even faster… go to rural Africa and see the girls there. They may look 13, but they act like they are 30. In the West, I think that we are effectively extending our adolescence into our 20s nowadays for all sorts of reasons to do with the economy etc etc. But that doesn’t mean that everyone spends their 20s living like the cast of Friends.
Post # 49
- Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort
I don’t think your 20’s are about discovering who you are, but that discovering who you are is a development (for most people) of their 20’s. For some, it’ll take even longer.
I sympahize with Oprah’s suggestion. I got married the first time at 22 and I definitely thought I was old enough, matrure enough, and that I knew myself enough. Wrong. That’s obviously not going to be true of everyone, but I think having some goal to get married by a certain age is no way to organize your life and that it shows a lack of the very maturity one should possess before getting married.
Post # 50
I completely agree. You need time, I think, away from your parents to discover and explore who you are. It would be almost impossible to know when you are young- you need experience to teach you and show you and for you to learn from. I think the 20s is a great time to explore, make mistakes (it is how we learn!), try new things, date the wrong people, find out what we want out of life, and figure out how to be comfortable with who we are. It took me a long time to get away from my abusive overbearing family and then my abusive mentally ill ex, and it never would have happened had I not taken risks. I think in the 20s it is a good time to take risks, because you have less bills and responsibility (more than likely) and you have time to recover if you make a financial or career or moving mistake. I didn’t get to make mistakes in my teens under my family’s controlling eye (both physical and psychological) so I got to experiencing different things at 18 when I moved across the country from them. In the words of a painter, sometimes you have to paint what a painting isn’t in order to know what the painting is.
I also would feel cheated and trapped if I married someone young who bought me a house. That might sounds ridiculous, but I am someone who likes to get from point A to point B by myself. I know friends like this who married young and I would feel so cheated. I would rather work for it. That way, I will appreciate it so much more and I have more respect for myself. I just wouldn’t want to go from my parents taking care of me to a husband doing it. Yuck! I like to do everything myself and the reason DH and I work is that he is completely open to change, he was not at all settled when we met- so we continued on the journey of our 20s together when I met him in my mid-twenties.
Post # 51
@WannaBeeMrsB: Agreed. I don’t think you have to figure it all out alone. I was with my now husband throughout my late teens, early 20s and we grew together and influenced one another. I don’t necessarily believe that works for everyone. But it worked for me. No regrets.
Post # 52
@mrsSonthebeach: I definitely agree with you, especially about marriage being a “goal.” I know someone who really wanted to be married by 25 (this was her life plan…be married by 25). So her boyfriend proposed to her so they could get married when she was 25. Well she’s 27 and divorced now. You should never get married because “I want to be married by X age.” Also bad news for people who say they want to be “married by 30”!
I think most people discover a lot about themselves in their 20s (specifically 18-25) and grow. Of course you grow your entire life, but moreso this age in specific ways. That’s not to say you can’t do it with someone by your side, of course you can. It’s silly to say you can’t. However on the other hand, sometimes this growth also causes people to grow apart when they end up not wanting the same life/things. Sadly I’ve seen it way too much among my friends.
Post # 53
I think your 20’s are a time to find yourself. I read somewhere that every 10 years a person changes, it’s not an overnight *bing* I’m changed kind of thing but over the 10 years. If you look back at yourself 10 years ago you’re a different person. I also think that the bee’s here that are/were fortunate enough to meet someone that supports growth and gives them love in their 20’s more power to you!!!
I think that your 20’s for alot of people are a time to work out your “baggage” your Family Of Orgin issues and become the person that YOU should be. It’s a shame that people feel the need to judge either way… For the 20 somethings that are married and in love, I know it’s annoying but I wouldn’t get mad… you have a great relationship and no one’s harsh words can change what you have.
Post # 54
Of course it is, because you’re still young. However, I find that while I am discovering myself, so can my fiancee. We are only two years apart, so we can both discover ourselves, together. (:
Post # 55
I agree with it. Fully. I did so much growing and learning through my 20’s. And I’d say the same for my friends. I know for certain who I would have chosen as a mate at 20, 25, 28 and 30 would all be very different people. Sure people grow together, but is that who you would have been if you were growing on your own? Probably not. I’m not saying it’s wrong to do it another way, but honestly, you’ll never know if you would have been different or not doing that learning through your 20’s if you did it with someone. So it’s nice to say you’ve grown together and would be the same person with our without your spouse, but you have no possible way of knowing that. So if you’re happy growing wiht someone and who you both are through that time, that’s awesome, but you can’t say your life isn’t different because of it. Just like you can’t say it would have been different or better doing it one or another. We all have a life path and can’t see the future. We have to make the best choices we can at the time and live and grow through them. But I would definitely encourage a child of mine to not get married before their late 20’s.
Post # 56
I voted disagree because I dislike generalisations, and think it’s very individual.
I would say this applies to me personally, as in my 20s I decided what career I wanted to pursue, and that I didn’t want children, though in terms of my political, religious and ideological views I haven’t changed at all; but there are plenty of people who it doesn’t apply to. Some people ‘discover’ themselves in their teens and don’t change in their 20s; others hit their 30s or 40s and find that they’re suddenly a very different person and that they want very different things from life.
Post # 57
I agree that most are discovering who they are in their 20s. That doesn’t mean you can’t do that with your SO/FI/DH.
I’ve always been very comfortable and confident in knowing who I am so I don’t feel like I will be missing out at all when I get married at 24.
Post # 58
I don’t necessarily agree or disagree with this statement. I personally think it depends on how much work you put into becoming who you want to be when you were younger. For example, I always wanted to be a young woman of faith and integrity who would act with kindness toward everyone. I didn’t choose a career, but I went through many different options as I grew up, like most people. I knew what kind of career I wanted: I wanted to help people, have a lot of memorization and hands-on involved, and be able to work with all kinds of people. Kind of broad, but I knew that I would know when it came along.
My senior year of high school, it did. I immediately knew the career path was right for me, followed it, and am in love with what I do! I spent my jr. high and high school years becoming who I knew I wanted to be, rather than playing around and waiting until I got older. I know this is not the path for everyone; it is just the one that fit me best.
Now that my SO is in my life, he matches up perfectly with who I am and what my goals are for the future. We both know where we want to go in life, or at least a general idea of what we want to be doing. In that way, I guess we’ve already “found ourselves.” It’s like F. Scott Fitzgerald said:
“For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case too early to be whoever you want to be.”
(Let me know if I’m a bit off on the quote. I found several variations of it before.)
Post # 59
I agree, but I think people are always growing and learning, not just in their twenties. As others have said I think this can be done while you’re in a relationship/married or single. I’ve been with my Fiance since I was 16, so obviously we have spent the last 6 years changing a lot and really growing together. Our anniversary is coming up and I jokingly asked Fiance if he is bored of me yet, and he said something along the lines of no way, you’re changing every year and continue to become a better person. I love you more and more. This made me feel great and just confirmed my thoughts on being able to grow as a person while maintaing a strong relationship. I’ve definitely become more independent and have learned a lot about myself and my values in my 20s and being with Fiance hasn’t hindered this at all.
Post # 60
In the context in which Oprah said it I agree. I do believe that you find yourself in your 20’s but I also believe you can marry at 25. I married at 19 just like you did and ended up divorced with two kids at 26. I love my kids and never regret that stage of my life but I am in college now and working . . . doing the things I should have done when I was 19. I think that if by 25 you are done with school or close to being done and have found someone that has grown with you, then it can be successful.
Post # 61
Eh…I changed a lot between 18 and 21…but I don’t think I “discovered who I was” I just grew up. Otherwise, I don’t think I’ve changed at all so far between the time I graduated college and today (almost 3 years later). I agree that you should go to college and start your career and be financially stable before getting married if possible, but that’s accomplished by the time you’re like 23 (which is the youngest I’d personally consider getting married due to the above). But after you’ve gone to school and started (started, not succeeded in! Just started!) your career, why the hell not get married? Just because you put a ring on it doesn’t mean you suddenly can’t travel or drink or go out with your girlfriends! In fact, Bieber of all people has lived plenty of life in just 17 (18? How old is that little girl now? lol) years haha