(Closed) YOUR definition of infidelity

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: What do you consider to be cheating? (as in the bare minimum)
    SO talking about emotions and private issues (about your marriage) with another woman : (54 votes)
    24 %
    SO hanging out with another woman constantly (without your knowledge) : (57 votes)
    25 %
    SO texting or messaging sexually inappropriate pictures or conversations with another woman : (78 votes)
    35 %
    SO kissing or making out with another woman : (18 votes)
    8 %
    SO sleeping with another woman : (11 votes)
    5 %
    SO looking at pornography (eta: live webcams etc) : (6 votes)
    3 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    310 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2011

    Wow…I think all of these equally show unfaithfulness. 

    Post # 4
    Member
    1160 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    I think all of them but the first one. i don’t think I’d mind my SO sharing details of our marriage with a woman, if he needs a female confidant or someone to ask for advice, etc.

    Post # 6
    Member
    5547 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: December 2011

    All but the first one 100% cheating. I think it depends on what and how he is discussing with another woman. We have a group of mutal friends that include both men and women. There are several of them that I am comfortable with him talking about more personal things about our marriage with because I know they consider him as a brother, there is no danger of that ever becoming an inappropriate relationship. They also happen to be my best friends. There are other women who I am not as close to that he is more casual friends with that I wouldn’t be okay with him sharing with. Totally logical? Perhaps not. But oh well. 

    Post # 7
    Member
    1077 posts
    Bumble bee

    I don’t associate infidelity with a specific act, but with a lack of consent from me to do something. For example, my SO knows that I don’t really care if he watches porn. We talk a lot about things and what we’re okay with and what we aren’t, and we both try to recognize that nothing is really clearly set in stone other than being honest with one and other. I know that isn’t for everyone though, and as far as doing something without telling me I would have serious problems with him texting/sending someone else sexually explicit stuff.

    Post # 9
    Member
    3220 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: February 2012

    “Cheating” is all situational to me.  In my relationship, I’d consider all that Facebook nonsense to be a form of cheating but I wouldn’t start filing for divorce.  I’d consider the first option, sharing emotions and details about our marriage, to possibly be inappropriate– but it really depends on the girl.  FI is allowed to have close female friends and sharing with one of them wouldn’t bother me.  I’ve certainly asked advice from some of my male friends over the years.  

    I wouldn’t leave for certain forms of cheating.  FI and I share a faith and I think certain slip-ups can be forgiven for the sake of our sacrament of marriage.  If Fiance had a one-time drunken physical mistake or got caught up in some inappropriate emotional stuff for a little bit but then came clean to me, I’d think we could recommit to our marriage with counseling and changes.  I think the “first line” for me to leave (which is what you’re asking) would be a continued affair.  If my Fiance developed an emotional and physical relationship with another woman and kept that secret from me, I don’t think I could bounce back from that. 

    In our pre-marital counseling, a speaker told us to not get married if we had a “I’ll divorce him if he does _____” because you’re already creating outs for yourself.  I don’t totally agree with it, because I think some people do need an out from an abusive or hurtful relationship, but it made me rethink of how I approach marriage and which scenarios we could overcome.

    Post # 10
    Member
    1077 posts
    Bumble bee

    @Arshim:  That’s a really good point. I know that some guys enjoy the chase but never take it past that, but the idea that he couldn’t see how this level of deception would be okay is hard to believe.

    I think you’re right that since there aren’t any emotions involved for them the guy is more likely to think it’s okay, maybe the wife is fine with him flirting on occasion or using more “interactive” adult sites and he rounded that attitude up way too generously. I dated a guy who knew I didn’t care if he hung out with girls alone and then he didn’t understand why I got upset when he spent the night at a female friend’s apartment. Undecided

    Post # 11
    Member
    951 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    I agree, all but the first are infidelity for me. There is emotional infidelity also, which is the sharing of emotional intimacy that should rightfully belong to your SO. I’m okay with my Fiance getting an outside perspective as long as he is not being hurtful in the process (for example bad mouthing me, lying about it if I ask him directly.) 

    In the end, the real issue is not whether we think what he did was wrong but whether his wife was okay with it. If he did not have her consent (which he obviously didn’t) then it is without a doubt infidelity. Some wives out there don’t care if their husbands get a lap dance. Some wives might want a menage-a-trois, and that’s their perogative. The hurtfulness begins when you intentionally withhold any level of intimacy from your spouse.. and if you’re speaking or acting in a way that you wouldn’t if they were there, you are guilty my friend. 

    Post # 13
    Member
    387 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    They all are except the last one. Most men and some women look at porn. I personally can’t stand it, but I don’t think my partner watching it is anywhere near him cheating on me. It doesn’t bother me, as long as it’s not where I can see it. DVD’s/videos are fine, but if it were online/interacting with other women then NO – that’s NOT okay.

    Post # 14
    Member
    4429 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: April 2014

    @Arshim:  ALL OF THE ABOVE!!! except the SO looking at pornography who really cares about that? i dont i look at other guys ; ) were taken not dead ladies lol

    Post # 15
    Member
    522 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2012

    I only consider cheating if there is physical interaction. Kissing, making out, having sex. This is infidelity to me. That doesn’t mean that other behaviors you mentioned would be tolerated as I think they are hurtful and inappropriate. I just wouldn’t call them cheating. 

    Post # 16
    Member
    13 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    I wouldn’t be exactly thrilled if he did any of these tbh….

    The topic ‘YOUR definition of infidelity’ is closed to new replies.

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