(Closed) Your failure is delaying my engagement…

posted 9 years ago in Waiting
Post # 17
Member
297 posts
Helper bee

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@Kemi82Justice of the Peace: Yup, that’s pretty much why SO’s ex divorced him.  I don’t think she was ever really 100% happy with him and expected things to change when they got married.  Anyone that knows her says that all of her friends were getting married and she wanted to as well. We met 6 months after they divorced, and I’m not gonna sugar-coat it, I refused to leave his side and was put through a fricken ringer the first 3 years of our relationship.  He treated me well, but he was so traumatized and blindsided by the divorce, the bankruptcy, the foreclosure, the “loss” of full-time dad status to his newborn etc.  I loved him too much to leave though and now that he’s healed and we’ve grown I’m happy that I got to see him at his worst because I know we can handle anything. 

Post # 18
Member
600 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2006

Here’s something I wrote on a thread about worst meltdown fights that relates to this:

“Finally we had a talk where I managed to frame it as he needs to man up and actually think about this shit instead of just saying “I’m not ready” “so and so didn’t work out” “my parents aren’t happy in their marriage” “we can’t predict the future.”  I told him that nothing is going to change unless he does some research and really thinks about him and I.  He’s always saying “don’t compare us to other people” when their relationships are progressing, but he’s always “comparing” us to happy relationships that nosedived after marriage saying how do we know that won’t be us?  So I told him all that and said he needed to realize we are different, we have made it through tons of shit together more so than other relationships around us so why would things change?  It takes the two of us to make a marriage work, it’s us, not marriage that make or break the marriage.  

I think after that talk was when he realized he was stalling and that we (and future marriage) were in our control and just because marriage was hard and unpredictable, doesn’t mean we can’t handle it and steer it the way we want.  That was in July 2010 and since Sept. 2010 all of our marriage/engagement/future talk has been short and sweet and feels like a dip in a pool rather than walking into a brick wall at fast speeds.”

It’s hard to see that you and your SO steer the marriage and that all marriages fail because of something that went on between the two people.  It’s so easy to look at the divorce rate and think it’s marriage itself that is the culprit but when we take control, we see that we have the power to have a long-lasting marriage, we just have to work our asses off and not turn away from each other.  I think you and your man should read any of John Gottman’s books because he can predict with 90-something% accuracy which marriages will survive and which won’t.  I’m speaking about this from a marriage and family therapy background that he is absolutely amazing and those books will really help you guys out with this specific situation by giving you some control over your lives/marriage plans.

Post # 19
Member
82 posts
Worker bee

@sleepingbeauty88:Yep Ive heard that line before, and now another couple, 24 yrs in just split and divorced, sure that will be added to the list now soon too for excuses 🙁 

Post # 21
Member
492 posts
Helper bee

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@phoenix718: Ooooohhhh weeee girl TRUST I know what you mean. Those past marriages/relationships definitely make it hard on the REAL women. I can’t stand it!!!!

Post # 22
Member
35 posts
Newbee

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@MsMamaBear:I don’t get it either. I moved on and found a great guy who knew himself well enough to make the committment with joy and loved me enough to trust that we would make it. You deserve the same. We dated about a year before he started talking about making a life together. Only when I left “doubting Thomas” and had been dating the for about eight months  real man, did I realize that the real grown up man knew I was who he wanted and marriage is what he wanted. It feels great. Other peoples failures are irrelivant and so are thier successes. It’s your life go ahead and live it.

Post # 23
Member
850 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I kinda feel that between both of us having bad experiences has solidified our determination to make our marriage work. One of my parents cheated on the other, and my FI’s first wife left him for another man. To his credit, he was the one who stuck around and tried to make it work, but she made the ultimate decision to leave. After seeing how horrible people can be to each other, I know he is deeply committed, and I would (nor could) ever do that to someone. Seriously, how horrible would I be if I cheated on him after his first wife already did?!

Post # 24
Member
1724 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

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@sleepingbeauty88:  Just a short word for your mom – abuse isn’t usually mentioned on the first date.  It grows gradually over months and even years as the abuser learns what s/he can and can’t get away with, stopping just short, usually of the sort of verbal attacks that would send anyone packing, and usually stopping just short of injuries requiring a doctor’s care.  They test and push and see what behavior will be accepted, and then push harder to see what the next level can be.  The abused person often doesn’t realize they are being abused until it gets to where EVERYONE can see it – it creeps up on you, it’s gradual, and it’s coming from a person you love, who is supposed to love you, making it crazy to sort out in your head.  You feel confused, as though you deserve it somehow, even when the rational part of your mind says otherwise.  Also, not to stereotype, but it would seemt hat women are quicker to forgive abusers, and so end up staying with them longer, and possibly never leaving.  It takes a lot for the abused to realize it’s not right, they don’t deserve it, and to decide to not take it anymore.  (Both my parents were abusive, and it took me getting away from them and seeing how other familes interact to realize it)

Post # 25
Member
383 posts
Helper bee

@Phoenix718:  Can I just say AMEN SISTER!  I’m paying the price of the ex too.  My SO’s ex begged, pleaded and promised huge amounts of inheritance money if he would marry her.  He said he didn’t want to marry her.  She begged and begged and even started telling relatives they were engaged.  One day he got a call from the b*#&$’s daughter and she said “I’m so glad you and mom are getting married.”  He was like “WHAT?”  He hadn’t proposed, nor had he intended to.  In the end, it was certainly his decision to marry her but he tells me he knew even on his wedding day that it was a mistake. And man was it a mistake.  Manipulation, lies, and get this….while they were married she went on dating sites and met men in parking lots of shopping malls and had sex with them…same day she met them on line.

Alienated him from all his family demanding that he only spend time with her.

Threatened to kill herself, beat him up (he has pictures).  Turned out to be a mental job!!

And then 7 years later, a nasty divorce….and here we are.  He is a bit commitment shy. Wants to move in together and he says “yes” when I ask is marriage how he sees us ending up.

if it weren’t for the nutjob, I’m thinking I wouldn’t be on a waiting board.

UGH !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Post # 26
Member
10363 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

@sleepingbeauty88: You can argue that by better understanding the statistics you are batting around. A societal average doesn’t mean that the number applies to you specifically. For example, a couple who are both over 25, have a graduate education, are childless, and have not been married before have a less than 10% chance of divorce over a lifetime. For real. It’s the people who get married really young/have children out of wedlock/are on their 2nd or higher wedding, etc that really skew the data.

Of course, stats don’t guarantee anything – it’s all about the specific circumstances of your relationship.

But, as a scientist, it’s really frustrating that people don’t dig deeper into those stats to really get at what they are telling you.

Post # 27
Member
1724 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

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@crayfish:  Good point, but I think if a guy’s nervous, he’d use whatever statistics he can find to back himself up, even if they are wrong – you don’t want to have to show him a power point presentation about your ods of a successful marraige versus the couple down the street.  That, and I always get a giggle from this phrase:

“There are lies… Damn Lies…. And statistics”  😛

I think there’s a level of personal anxiety about it, based like many on here have said about bad previous marraiges or the failed marraiges of close family or friends.  Even if you fall somewhere great in the national average, when it can look like the sky around you eprsonally is falling, that’s all that matters.  Kinda like when I noticed all the couples around me getting engaged – It didn’t mean more people in the country on average just got engaged… It just meant that those in my immediate area, close to me in age and interests had.  Either way, being surrounded by lots of divoreces or lots of engagements/weddings don’t have a lot of bearing on YOU personally. 

Post # 28
Member
3460 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Gotta love this one “Population studies have found that in 2004 and 2008, liberal-voting states have lower rates of divorce than conservative-voting states, possibly because people in liberal states tend to wait longer before getting married.”  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Divorce#Statistics  Chalk one silver lining to waiting for the proposal…  Gogo Mass.

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