(Closed) Your funeral is planned–before you even die

posted 5 years ago in The Lounge
Post # 3
Member
7217 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

@megz06:  Ugh. I totally feel you. It feels morbid and sad to make plans like that before they have actually died. That said– we had SEVEN funerals in my family last year and that week between the person passing and the funeral is HELL. When the last of the grandparents was on hospice care we booked the funeral home and made a LOT of plans while she was still with us. It’s awful, but honestly… better to be prepared and have time to mourn together and do extra things like put together nice photo boards during that week. 

I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. There is no good way to deal with death and illness.

Post # 4
Member
1856 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

So at first I thought you were going to say the great grandma had her funeral all planned out, and I don’t think *that* is so creepy – my father in law (who is in his 40s and very healthy) has told us all in detail what he wants for his funeral. But everyone else planning before the woman has died? It does strike me as a little morbid.

But I guess it may be easier to think about this things now, with clearer heads and a little distance from the event – after she dies, people will be emotional and upset, naturally, so it might be easier to plan and make arrangements beforehand.

Post # 5
Member
7173 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@megz06:  I actually think it’s a way to cope with the pending death.  She could pull through, yes… but planning like that is something I’d totally do.  Could you just tell Darling Husband you’d like to spend time with him tonight and he can work on the song another time??

ETA:  If she’s on a feeding tube, and they don’t plan on taking it away, she could last like that for quite some time.

 

 

 

Post # 6
Member
5494 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2011

yeah that is morbid.  it would seem to me that the time these people are putting in pre-planning the funeral would be better spent being with the grandma during her potentially last days on earth.

my greatgrandma is 99.  Some years back we bought a burial plot for her because they are expensive and we needed timed to make payments.  other than that no plans have been made and my family would never make such plans.  it’s like your wishing the person dead.  I’m Jewish and according to Jewish custom a person must be buried as quickly as possible, (usually 2-3 days after death.)  and yet this has always been enough time to get everything arranged.  I just don’t see a reason for all the pre-planning.  Sorry you’re dealing with this.

Post # 7
Member
10366 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

People deal with death in different ways. I know when my grandmother died a few years ago, my aunts/uncles went through a lot of planning and other processes before her death. Her death process was basically what your grandmother is going through now – drawn out. Nobody was in their “right” mind or acting very rationally. You’re trying to pin something rational on something that can’t be rational.

Post # 8
Member
8484 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2014

I dont see the problem with it, honestly. I think its better than waiting until she dies and having no clue what to do. I havent had anyone close to me die, but I’m sure its quite a shock and your brain might not function as well as normal when it comes to making plans. If you’ve got it all planned out already, then that takes that confusion away. 

My Mamaw is 93 and she’s told us for years what song she wants to play at her funeral.

Post # 9
Member
70 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I think it’s a wonderful idea, particularly for those who are lucky enough to go through the stages of grief before they die. 

 

 

 

A very close friend died recently and I know that he was glad to have had the chance to decide on readings, hymns etc for his funeral, particularly given his profession, which had a significant impact on the above. 

 

 

 

Might I suggest you have a read of Elizabeth Kubler Ross’ stages of grief? It might give you a different perspective on those for whom death is an immediate and very possible prospect. Personally, if I were terminally ill or very elderly, I would like the opportunity to have an input into the ceremony celebrating my life. Particularly if I had reached acceptance, as many people aged 96, with chronic illness, have. 

 

Post # 10
Member
680 posts
Busy bee

Yes, as @allyfally said, there is a shock that sometimes sets in when relatives and friends die and it becomes difficult (and EXPENSIVE) to plan things the way you want to. When my grandmother died, we didn’t know what to do and we were mourning her and it was very very hard. It’s a difficult time when someone is passing away, and I think it is better to be prepared than not. Not to sound like an ass or be insensitive, but she will eventually pass away (my great grandmother went through a similar up and down state as the OP mentioned before she passed) and if there’s any way of making it easier for the family, that is always best. 

Post # 12
Member
8449 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

@megz06:  So sorry for your loss.

Post # 13
Member
491 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@megz06:  *hugs* I’m happy for her and you that her suffering is over and she can now rest in peace. My grandpa wilted away slowly and painfully and I too felt so relieved that it was over for him. 

Post # 14
Member
13096 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

@megz06:  I’m sorry for your loss.

As insensitive as it maybe seemed, everyone deals with grief in different ways and I’m sure your family was simply trying to do what they thought was best for your grandmother.

Post # 15
Member
13096 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

@megz06:  I’m sorry for your loss.

As insensitive as it maybe seemed, everyone deals with grief in different ways and I’m sure your family was simply trying to do what they thought was best for your grandmother.

Post # 16
Member
11233 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

Love for you, OP. My grandpa passed away last summer after a long, hard battle with colon cancer. I agree that it’s a little weird, but also that people deal with grief in different ways. I’m a preparer–I deal with things by preparing for it as much as I can. I plan on laying out funeral arrangements in my will so that no one has to think about it when the time comes.

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