Your ideal partner

posted 1 year ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
1376 posts
Bumble bee

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penny1403 :  Men are just people. They’re not children, not dogs, not servants. They’re human beings just like women who have their own thoughts, opinions, needs, and wants. A partner is not there to do as you say and obey your commands. A partner is there because they make you happy and you make them happy. Unless you’re willing to obey on command just as often and live to please him, it’s extremely selfish to expect that out of a partner.

Post # 17
Member
70 posts
Worker bee

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pufflehuff :  Funny, loyal, consistent, and hardworking. I definitely want someone who wants kids and marriage. 

 

The ‘funny’ thing I’m flexible on; it’d be fun since I like to constantly joke around, but it’s not a requirement. 

 

I also made this list after splitting from my ex. I didn’t have any standards before.

Post # 18
Member
1512 posts
Bumble bee

 

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bctoquebec :  Edit, I forgot, must have good hygiene! 

Post # 19
Member
146 posts
Blushing bee

The joke among my friends is that I only date chubby musicians with beards. They’re not requirements. Just preferences. 

My real list would be

– can’t be bigoted 

– must love animals 

– creative hobby (I’ve got one and find it just helps to be with someone whos also creative in some way)

– my friends are weird yes but must see past that

– has to tolerate my favourite band because I see them live all the time and have two tattoos of their logos and if ya don’t like them you’re gonna have a bad time

– accept my PTSD and support me

– must have a sense of humour 

my current partner is all of these things which is fairly lucky for me. 

Post # 20
Member
1483 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

I had a list and FH definitely ticks all the boxes.

1) Emotionally mature

2) Kind and helpful

3) Not a picky eater or in other ways childish

4) Likes to travel

5) Physically attractive to me

6) Solid work ethic

7) Extremely similar values/morals

Post # 21
Member
2417 posts
Buzzing bee

My “Qualities” Must-Have’s before meeting Darling Husband:

– Kind & Compassionate (this automatically nixes racists, sexists, homophobics, transphobics, xenophobics, etc.)

– Empathetic 

– High Emotional IQ (able to hear feedback, grow, change, adapt)

– Accepting & Validating (as opposed to judgemental and/or controlling)

– Ability to love in a giving way, not only to get external validation

My “Relationship-Readiness” Must-Have’s before meeting Darling Husband:

– Not a Momma’s Boy

– Ability AND desire to equally share emotional and household labor

– Ready (and hopefully excited) to move toward marriage and children within next few years

– Desire to work out and eat right together, as a team

– Good work/life balance (NOT ambitious to the detriment of quality time together or family goals)

My Personal List of Red Flags before meeting Darling Husband:

– ANY display of temper or acting our on negative/unhealthy emotion

– ANY display of jealousy or attemps to control me, my relationships, my choices, etc.

– Defensiveness, Attacks, Table-Turning, Gaslighting, Blaming during arguments

– Refusal/Resistance to therapy, if discussed or needed

– Frequently operating/making choices based on a fearful mindset

– Too much Ego (need to be right, only seeing from own perspective, taking vs giving, stonewalling, etc.)

– Lying, lying by ommission, hiding parts of self, shame, addiction

As for Darling Husband… He amazingly checked ALL of my Must Haves.

We DID run into issues with lying by ommission, hiding things, shame, addiction (nicotine).

The lies were always small and obviously attempts to retain my view of him as a good person rather than attempts to hide shady behaviors.

He had deep problems with shame due to his childhood and thought showing his full, true self to me would result in my losing interest in him. He was ashamed of certain parts of himself, so he hid them almost without thinking about it.

Because these were not malicious lies, and because he was so amazing in every other way, I chose to stay and work with him through these issues. We did 8 months of therapy and it’s a non-issue for us now. 

Post # 22
Member
1786 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

I mean, no one is perfect. If I could change anything about my fiance, I would make him just a couple inches taller, take away his biggest vice (passive aggression), and make him love lasagna as much as I do. Could stand to love dogs a LITTLE less too, I mean, I’m a cat person. But my list (in no particular order):

1) At least 5’11” tall

2) Catholic

3) Not emotionally attached to his damn mother (bite me lol)

4) Financially stable

5) Educated enough to survive – doesn’t NEED a degree but if you think the Bogeyman is real and vaccines cause autism I will shoot you and your conspiracy theories in the face, lmao

6) Love Christmas as much as I do

7) Romantic (none of that “Kind Deeds” and “Gifts” love languages – gimme your hands and lips)

8) All that loyal/faithfull/treats me nice jazz

9) Somewhat conservative (I tend to lean conservative in world politics and liberal in domestic politics, with a couple exceptions but not many, so someone that somewhat follows this would be perf)

10) Cat person

11) Addicted to Italian food

All in all, my fiance has most of these things down. Can I make him grow a couple inches and love Christmas as much as I do? No, but I love him so much anyway 🙂

Post # 23
Member
2608 posts
Sugar bee

My “ideal qualities” list was mostly in the positive, but I forgot in reading some of the other responses that I definitely had a list of dealbreakers, too. I think they’re equally important even though we tend not to think about them as much or as explicitly. 

Some of my dealbreakers were: 

– Addictions of any kind (whether drugs or video games) 

– Cigarette smokers 

– Illegal drug use (with the possible exception of occasional pot use); Reliance on alcohol or other substances to have fun or relax 

– Significant debt (outside a school loan or mortgage) or other signs of unhealthy spending habits 

– Negative and jaded types 

– Close-mindedness and resistance to trying new things 

– Argumentative or angry types 

– Controlling, manipulative, or abusive behavior of any kind  

– Racism, sexism, homophobia, ethnocentrism, classism, etc. 

– Past history of cheating 

– Workoholics

– Talking negatively or excessively about exes 

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