(Closed) your job vs. his job – physical or mental?…

posted 8 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
Member
14183 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I used to have a physically demanding job–it’s TOTALLY different than what I do now, which can be mentally demanding. Stress is stress, plain and simple. I’d be pretty pissed if he just expected me to cook and clean and crap on top of my job, though, just because I wasn’t physically exhausted by the end of the day! That’s B.S. as far as I’m concerned!

Post # 4
Member
3564 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I guess my job is kinda physically demanding–I’m a social worker and I do home visits, so I’m basically out and about for a number of hours each day. Not running a marathon or anything, but walking around the streets, getting on and off trains and buses, up and down stairs, etc. However, I have no illusions–my DH’s job is way more stressful. He works in finance and is constantly enaged with what’s going on in the markets, etc. He’s super intense about his work too so even though he sits at a desk all day, he’s pretty beat when he gets home. I actually like moving around during the day–I  feel like it gives me more energy than just sitting at a desk! So basically, I sympathize with you 🙂

Post # 6
Member
1645 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I hear ya! I don’t really have any advice, but hopefully venting helps!

I think Darling Husband has a little bit more stressful job than I do. He’s a PE teacher for middle schoolers in an urban, low income area. He also coaches Sept to Jan, so his days are really long. I’m a social worker.  My schedule can vary more than his, when I have court and home visits, but most of my work is at a residential campus so I’m just walking between buildings and seeing kids. I think phone calls are the most stressful part of my day – I like working with families, but hate making phone calls to them.

Post # 7
Member
1105 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

I feel the same way some times!!  Darling Husband is a pipe-fitter and installs automatic fire sprinklers and works these long 10 hour days and has to meet deadlines which is very stressful for him.  I am in the office all day sitting, typing, answering phones and getting orders out.  Granted it isn’t normally a stressful job, but it does wear me out and he doesn’t get it either.  It has taken me a while to figure out that it isn’t me making him grumpy it is his job, it still sucks though when he comes home and doesn’t want to do much! 

Post # 8
Member
7173 posts
Busy Beekeeper

We are in a similar boat – Darling Husband also works longer hours than I do.  He doesn’t complain that I have the job with less stress (ie: the sit in a chair all day type thing).  

That said – in premarital counseling, he was encouraged to find a place he could ‘dump’ his stress off at (on his way home) so that he didn’t bring it home with him.  The idea was to pick a place on the commute (be it an intersection, railroad track, etc.) that once you crossed over, you let the stress of the day stay behind.  

I don’t think Darling Husband has quite embraced that concept yet – but I do understand what the counselor was getting at.  I’ve found that if I give Darling Husband time to unwind after work – meaning, don’t ask him about his day, don’t tell him about mine – just let him shower, change, and make him his favorite cocktail – he’s in a MUCH better mood and has had the time to disengage from work mode and switch to relax and enjoy time at home.

I understand how annoying it is to hear him complain about how stressful and tiring work is (without him acknowledging that you also might be having a stressful day)…. maybe try to just acknowledging it and emphasize with him… it sounds like he’s wanting some babying and TLC.  I think if he gets that, he’ll reciprocate and start to understand the daily stressors you face.

Post # 9
Member
1260 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

That stinks that he doesn’t give you as much empathy as you give him. It’s kind of like that for me and my husband too, at times. My husband is an engineer, works long hours, and has high levels of mental stress. I am a nurse, and my job entails high levels of mental AND physical stress. BUT my husband thinks that becuase I get more days off than he does (I work a 12 hour rotating shift schedule of 2 days,2 nights, 5 days off) that I have all this free time and couldn’t possibly be as stressed as him. Umm, so not true.

I don’t really like the sort of tit for tat attitude he has about working…its not a contest. Both of us work hard and contribute to the home. Let’s just support each other!

Post # 10
Member
971 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

If/when Darling Husband goes out into the field, (usually when he’s short staffed), it’s physical labour.  Otherwise, the billing, account work, cultivating clients, etc. – it’s mental.

Mine is mental. 

Since we both work at home, we know what each other faces job-wise. 

Post # 11
Member
3762 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

My Darling Husband does physical labor and I think its hard for him to understand why I can come home tired after working at my desk all day. 

Post # 12
Member
1645 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Darling Husband and I handle our job stress differently too. He wants to talk about it and vent. I need to learn to shut up, listen and agree with him, rather than talk rationally about it since it is just him venting and letting go. I, on the other hand, usually can’t talk to much about work (HIPPA) and want to let it go and enjoy my time with him, while he asks about my day a lot, and has trouble letting go when I say I had a stressful day but don’t want to or can’t talk about it.

Post # 14
Member
1876 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

What I don’t get is – if you both work why should the “house” only be one of your responsiblities. The way I see it “homemaking” is considered a job. Both you and your husband have full time jobs. So shouldn’t “homemaking” then be BOTH of your “part time” jobs? I think you need to explain it like that to him. If he wants you to quit and stay at home all day then fine, but you are bringing in income and stressed and tired too, he should appreciate that.

Good for you for having a career and doing well for yourself!

Post # 15
Member
1480 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

@JuneBride_26June2010: I totally hear you. My hubby and I both “sit in a chair all day” working mentally/intellectually challenging jobs, so he definitely understands, but for a looooong time, my parents did not get it.

My dad works a physically demanding job, while my mom was a Stay-At-Home Mom and homemaker. They pushed me really hard academically because, like a lot of uneducated immigrants, they thought a high-fallutin’ degree would be my ticket to an easy life where I just sit behind a desk looking important and money rains from the sky.

They would get on my case every time they caught me taking a break from studying or going out with friends on the weekend, because in their minds, why should I need a break from sitting on my duff and reading? They didn’t understand why I should have any problem studying 24/7 because sitting around takes no physical effort and reading is “fun”. They had no concept of the mental exhaustion involved in reading dense academic texts.

I can’t blame them because they meant well. They only wanted the best for me, and it’s not their fault they never got to experience what it’s like to get a good education. But damn, it was so frustrating being thought of as a lazy bum when I was actually exhausted from studying!

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