Your opinion on family sharing in the responsibility of childcare?

posted 12 months ago in Parenting
  • poll: Is family responsible for childcare?

    Nope, your kids, your responsibility

    Yes, that's expected

    Other

  • Post # 16
    Member
    1540 posts
    Bumble bee

    I don’t think grandparents should be forced into watching the grandkids or babysitting.  If you want to have kids, the responsibility is on you to look after your kids, not someone else, even if they’re family.  We never had that so I don’t understand people thinking their parents have to watch their kids for them.  They have to want to do it.  It shouldn’t be an expectation.

    Post # 17
    Member
    585 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2020 - Summer Camp!

    I think it’s a bit crummy of the grandparents given she’s giving birth. Also, this attitude of, “her kids, her problem” might make the new mom less inclined to move her life around if one of the grandparents are need additional assistance. My grandmother did a lot of raising me when my mom went through her divorce, and my mom did a lot to help her grandma during her stroke. I guess I’m more collectivist in that way. 

    Post # 18
    Member
    1164 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2019 - City, State

    I have a very strong, conservative opinion about grandparents and childcare, that I’ve typed out and erased twice already. Essentially, I believe it is not right to expect anyone in your family to regularly care for your kid(s) just because you’re related. If you need assistance, hire it.

     

    Post # 19
    Member
    9766 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2012

    I’m assuming the parents asked for the help in advance and the grandparents agreed. There are very few people I’d be comfortable leaving my child with overnight, and a random babysitter is not one of them.

    If it was for a date night or something, sure, she’s entitled. But he’s really whining about helping with the birth of his grandchild? I mean it’s also a serious medical procedure, would he go on vacation while his daughter was having major surgery too?

    If they are expected to be full time child care that’s a whole different scenario.

    Post # 20
    Member
    6918 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2016

    I think it’s important to note that most of the US standard of care for mothers and children (and families) is shit and unmanageable and toxic. Two people should not be handed a brand new human and just sent out into the world like “Good luck! Hope you can manage! Too bad if you can’t! It’s on you! You chose to have a baby!” That is brutal and women/families are being crushed under the pressure.

    That said, it also cannot be the expectation that grandparents (who have, in theory, raised their own kids) now have to raise another generation because of the strain it creates on the parents.

    I firmly believe in the village family/community model and I greatly benefit from the fact that my family does as well. Our son has 7 grandparents and their various degrees of involvement in his life has alleviated SO much pressure from me and my husband.

    I think this woman should have heeded her FIL’s comments (grumblings) sooner about not wanting to be the primary childcare for her children. Then they might have been more flexible about scheduling a vacation around her due date. However, it also seems a bit passive aggressive to schedule a vacation around the birth of your third grandchild rather than having the direct conversation “Hey! We are no longer willing to be your primary childcare for your children. You need to start making other arrangements now- especially since you are continuing to have kids. You need to have another reliable caregiver in place by X date.”

    Post # 21
    Member
    2611 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: December 2009

    Not my kid, not my responsibility.  DH and I plan our vacations well in advance because of work schedules.  It is not uncommon for us to plan a vacation and have it on the calendars 1 1/2 years prior to taking it.  In one year alone, we had 4 nieces born.  And with the exception of one sister, this was the 2nd, 3rd, & 4th baby for different sisters.  There are 5 sisters between DH & I.  If we planned our time around when they may or may not be having babies, we’d never get to take a vacation. lol  It’s not that we wouldn’t want to be there, it’s just that our world doesn’t revolve around when they may happen to be having babies.

    I hate to say it, but when the first and second grandbabies arrived, my parents wanted to be there right away.  Now that there are a billion of them around (exagerating here lol) and that the moms have established boundaries and when they want visitors, my parents have taken a more lax standpoint.  They try to be there, but….after the whirlwind that was last year, I think they realized that they have a life too and can’t plan all their vacations around baby frenzies!

    With that being said, DH and I are both very active in our nieces and nephews lives.  I was in the delivery room when one sister had her 3rd and then kept her three other kids when she had her 4th.  We help when we can and say no when we can’t or don’t feel up to it.  

    Post # 22
    Member
    3473 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: July 2011

    I agree it’s not right to expect anyone to look after your child. HOWEVER if the family member has offered and agreed to an arrangement it is acceptable to expect them to keep that arrangement, especially in this case where they are arranging childcare for while she gives birth. 

    View original reply
    misstomorris :  

    Post # 23
    Member
    669 posts
    Busy bee

    It sounds like she arranged this months ahead of time with them and if that’s the case then yes, I’d be annoyed if my father in-law complaining about it. That’s more less about not keeping commitments or going back on your word for something trivial like a vacation. It honestly feels like the grandparents were ok with everything until something better came along – that would annoy me and probably the rest of the population. Is it their responsibility to look after the kids if they weren’t asked and it wasn’t pre-arranged? No. Is their responsibility to agree to watch the kids all the time? No. Is it their responsibility to follow through with their commitment to watch the children? Yes.

    Post # 25
    Member
    1164 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2019 - City, State

    View original reply
    Twizbe :  Definitely – if they have a contractual agreement for this instance, that’s one thing.

    The idea of new parents assuming their own parents would give up their golden years to watch their grandchild (which they theoretically had no opinion on the conception of) is very offensive to me. 

    Post # 26
    Member
    5917 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: July 2018

    View original reply
    misstomorris :  Is there a reason you think this is a conservative opinion? 

    Post # 27
    Member
    1560 posts
    Bumble bee

    I think it’s all well and good saying her kids her problem, but if the grandparents become ill when they’re older would they then expect her and her husband to help them or not? It goes both ways really. If a family member didn’t want to help me at all when I was desperate for child care I would be less inclined to help them when they needed care in the future. 

    Post # 28
    Member
    1164 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2019 - City, State

    View original reply
    zzar45 :  I didn’t share the very conservative part, lol. Different strokes and I don’t want to incite a riot.

    Post # 29
    Member
    3473 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: July 2011

    I wouldn’t go as far as offensive, but it is a misplaced assumption for sure.

    we were very lucky that my Mother-In-Law OFFERED to have our son two days a week, but that offer was not part of our decision process to have a child. 

    View original reply
    misstomorris :  

    Post # 30
    Member
    805 posts
    Busy bee

    My guess is this board skews wealthy. The average American has less than 400 dollars in savings. It’s u realistic to think they aren’t forced to rely on their community and family for support. (I myself have no children so can’t speak as to my own choices)

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