Your opinion on family sharing in the responsibility of childcare?

posted 12 months ago in Parenting
  • poll: Is family responsible for childcare?

    Nope, your kids, your responsibility

    Yes, that's expected

    Other

  • Post # 31
    Member
    4192 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    View original reply
    ariesscientist :  fair, but I also don’t think it’s fair to essentially blackmail someone into caring for your kids. I’d help my elderly parents because they gave me life, raised me, and I love them…not tit for tat bc they babysat. 

    Post # 32
    Member
    1164 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2019 - City, State

    View original reply
    personaperson :  Frankly, it’s unrealistic (and unsafe) to think one could afford a child with less than $400 in savings. 

    Post # 33
    Member
    5571 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: October 2017

    View original reply
    personaperson :  ….no? I’m not wealthy but we pay $1k a month to keep my daughter in daycare

    I consider myself to be liberal, seriously, and this is going to sound harsh, but she’s having her third child. I would hope they are able to support the two kids they already have before having the third 

    We also don’t know the child care agreement they had with their parents. Maybe the parents agreed to two kids and a third is on the way, maybe the parents felt forced into providing child care, we are missing a large part of the story, how did the grandparents become the primary child care givers? And if there’s an issue, the fil should speak up 

    Post # 34
    Member
    8980 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

    View original reply
    wonderwedding :  people I know that have had more than one kid usually have a few friends/family members on stand-by to come take the older child. If the new baby is coming too fast they all meet at the hospital. My first daughter was insanely fast and our doctors have said to expect the same, or faster, for our next. We likely will not have any time to wait for someone to drive to our house. We have a good relationship with our nextdoor neighbor and she’s already agreed to be our first line of defense childcare when the time comes (not pregnant yet, but hoping to be later this summer). 

    Post # 35
    Member
    7123 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2015

    View original reply
    breatheandrelax :  So, I think I’m on both sides?  Like, yeah, if you have children then find childcare for them.  However, going into labor at some random time and not having childcare for your first and second children would be scary.  My stepson’s mom was going out of town a week before my due date, and I seriously gathered a list of 4 or 5 people to call if I go into labor while his mom is out of town.  I packed a bag and everything.  Lucky for everyone, I went into labor 4 days before she left, so it wasn’t a panic by the time she left.  We did ask some people to bring him to his extracurriculars that week.  Although Father-In-Law is complaining, I’m sure Mother-In-Law wanted to stay to be there for the kids… He might just be crabby.

    Post # 36
    Member
    5571 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: October 2017

    View original reply
    SeaOfLove :  there are definitely two issues at play here. The labor expectation seems reasonable to me, but expecting regular child care instead of paying for child care is unreasonable to me.

    Also, maybe fil is crabby like you said, if he’s already resentful of being the primary caregiver for the kids, I’m sure his resentment is playing into his reaction to his missed vacation

    Post # 37
    Member
    7123 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2015

    View original reply
    Sansa85 :  Absolutely.  I read the initial question like, “Yeah, you pay for your own child!”  But then the whole “going into labor and needing a place for your kids” is another thing.  I definitely wouldn’t expect someone to not go on a trip.  But there are definitely other things in play with the Father-In-Law that we don’t know… he’s complaining about being their only childcare, then my guess is she uses them a lot.

    Post # 38
    Member
    8980 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

    View original reply
    misstomorris :  in the US lots of people have kids with no savings for all sorts of different reasons. Some people had money and fell on hard times. Others didn’t want the child and couldn’t access abortion. Still others weren’t afforded the education and opportunity to lift themselves out of systemic poverty. And even still more are paying more than half their income for childcare which is why they can’t save money – they are barely keeping themselves afloat, but they are doing it. 

    Post # 39
    Member
    6420 posts
    Bee Keeper

     

    View original reply
    wonderwedding :  That’s different that’s an unexpected event.  Depending on IL’s as permanent daycare especially if it’s unpaid is really inappropriate if the IL’s don’t want to do it.

    Post # 40
    Member
    378 posts
    Helper bee

    This is a very cultural thing. Some families automatically have their parents or other family members help them with their kids because that’s just how it is. Others don’t and hire help. I don’t have kids yet, but I’m already very grateful that my parents and my future in laws will be there to help when I have a baby. I couldn’t imagine not having family help. Similarly, I couldn’t imagine not helping my family members or close friends with their kids if I’m able to. But then again, my family and my fiancé’s family are extremely family oriented and it’s assumed that family will help as much as possible. 

     

    Also, specifically about the situation you mentioned in your OP, I would be a little annoyed that my in laws were complaining about not being able to go away while I was in labor with their grandchild …I would assume my in-laws would be very excited to be there for us when I go into labor but again, I guess these things vary from family to family/culture to culture 

    Post # 41
    Member
    5917 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: July 2018

    View original reply
    misstomorris :  Oh right, I thought it was to something in your comment.  Even then aren’t conservative values generally all around family? 

    Post # 42
    Member
    1197 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 1983

    A person is responsible for the results of his or her own decisions and actions. Unless the grandparents got a deciding vote about producing the grandchild, they are not responsible for the care of that grandchild. 

    Help and support are nice and generous, but the question was about responsibility for childcare. You can’t make someone else responsible for things you do.

    Post # 43
    Member
    737 posts
    Busy bee

    View original reply
    personaperson :  if you can’t afford care of a child, don’t have one….

    Post # 44
    Member
    1164 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2019 - City, State

    View original reply
    LilliV :  I am all too aware of systematic poverty and the familial cycle produced by such. That alone makes having a child with such limited funds unsafe. Not saying it doesn’t happen, just saying it is not safe or realistic. 

    Post # 45
    Bee
    5093 posts
    Bee Keeper

    This is something that has to be judged on a case by case basis. Generally the better the relation between grandparent and parent, the more likely the grandparent will be to help out. But the grandparent’s health has to be considered and sense have to be factored in. 

    I was fortunate that my parents (father and stepmother) were the type to help out. They both worked FT but would keep the kids on Friday nights overnight so we could have some time alone. They also took the kids on vacations. My Mother-In-Law was often “so busy” but it didn’t disturb me because this is the woman who let my Brother-In-Law run into the road and get hit by a car and develop seizures as a result. My kids knew from a young age that you always, always hold my hand and step out when. I do. She was also holding my husband’s hand when he was a little kid and his cousin was showing off his baseball skills. Of course my husband got a baseball bat in his face and got knocked out because my Mother-In-Law is so dumb she didn’t have the sense to step away when a kid is swinging a bat around

    Once they offered to keep my daughter for a couple hours and said they would drive her back. I offered them my car seat, but they said they had one. Foolishly I believed them. Turns out that they got it at a garage sale and the thing didn’t buckle, making it useless. To say I was incandescent with rage is understating the case. I said that I would think that the chairman of a science department had at least a rudimentary understanding of the physics of an object traveling at 65mph. My Father-In-Law had the good grace to look ashamed. The comment went right over my MIL’s head. Then i marched out to their car, took out the carseat and threw it in the trash bin. 

    My point is that all family help is relative.

    Leave a comment


    Find Amazing Vendors