Post # 1
So I have noticed that many people have posted about their moms on these boards. I have really noticed my relationship with my Mom in the process of wedding planning. We had a long talk this weekend about our relationship and I am interested to hear how other people would describe their relationships. Share!
I love my mom so much and I have always felt deeply devoted to her. I admire her as a person and I think that, though she has made mistakes, she is an incredible mom. She has always made me feel loved and cared for and she gave me a great foundation to become my own person. At the same time, we have a complicated relationship. She has very mixed feelings about me growing up and moving away and has had difficulty with this in the past years. We have also struggled for my entire life over my weight issues (though she has finally backed off and told me that she thinks I am beautiful the way I am). Our relationship is constently changing and evolving, and though we have exprienced conflict, we have also experienced resolution. While my mom has told me she wishes we never had conflict, I feel that conflict is natural and healthy in the mother-daughter dynamic. I love my mom unconditionally, regardless of any pain we have caused one another. I am thankful for that.
What is your relationship with your Mom like? If she has passed or is no longer in your life, what was it like? What would you change? What do you love?
Post # 3
My relationship with my mum is complicated. For a long time my mum was a single mum and I was definately mummy’s little girl. Our mother-daughter relationship was more like a equal friendship, and it worked well for us. For a long time she was my best friend. Then around 5 years ago she met her current partner (my mum is a lesbian), and everything changed. Suddenly I wasn’t her best friend anymore, because she had her partner, and I was just her daughter again. She started asking me to stay with my dad more even though i hate my step mum, sold the house I’d lived in for 17 years and moved to a smaller house closer to the city, and then expected me to keep to myself in my room. Eventually they decided to do IVF, and I moved out of home to get away from the stress. When they got pregnant they packed up my room and turned it into a nursery. I feel very much replaced by the baby, and I’m in therapy trying to find coping methods. We still see each other weekly, but she is so wrapped up in the newborn, that there is no excitement or support for my engagement. Its hard, and I really miss her.
Post # 4
I love my relationship with my mother!
She treats me as an adult and as her friend not her child and that’s the way I want it to be!
I talk to my mom almost every day just to chat and I wouldn’t have it any other way!
She is one of my best friends!
Post # 5
I think it’s awesome that you and your mom have worked through any conflict that you have had, and that you look so positively on your relationship moving forward and growing!
My mom and I have a really good relationship. Yeah there are times when we get on each others nerves but for the most part we have a great relationship and I don’t know what I would do without her, especially through this wedding planning process.
Post # 6
@Roux- Wow, I am so sorry to hear you have been feeling replaced. That must be so difficult and you are a strong woman to be able to cope with that. I am glad that you are in therapy though, I hope that is helpful. Hopefully your mom will be able to make room for you (as she should). That must be so hard.
@futureMM- that sounds awesome. I would love to have more of a friendship with my mom. I think we will have that in time. Has your mom always treated you as an adult (in your adult life)? How long have you had such a strong friendship with your mom?
Post # 7
@shayd- thanks 🙂 I am glad we have been able to evolve too. It is SO helpful to have a mom who wants to be fully involved in wedding planning! We are lucky!
Post # 8
My mother and I… Well, it’s complicated.
I love my mom. There’s no doubt of that. But I am a emotional person and my mother, well, isn’t. She is not comfortable with great highs of emotion nor is she “touchy-feely” and she can’t understand why in the world I am so “high strung”. What totally cracks me up is that among my circle of friends and in comparison to my children’s friend’s parents I am probably one of the least emotional/physical/hands-on/whatever.
I think if she wasn’t my mother – if I just met her on the street – we’d get along. We wouldn’t be best buds but there would definately be respect on both sides. I try to remember that when we’re at odds 🙂
Post # 9
@Rosie – I am 27 and I moved out when I was 19. During undergrad (19-23) we started developing our friendship but we didn’t talk as much as we do now. It took some time to build the friendship and for her to stop being ‘a mom’ in that she wanted control over what I did. I would just tell her she was stepping over the line and she would back off. Ever since then (~23) we have had this wonderful friendship!
Post # 10
I have a very difficult relationship with my mom. My moving out has been good for us, but we’re a long way from the ideal relationship. I’m an only child, and she was very scared of a lot when I was growing up. So she was very overprotective and sometimes very hard to reason with and illogical. To the extent where they required that I get a job at 16, but then she would yell and cry about how I was never home. She swore up and down that I should be able to work 5-10 hour weeks, and that it was my fault I was scheduled for more hours. Same type of thing when I went off to college… we’re not paying for you, but why are you too busy to call me/spend more time with me (even though I see her every other weekend.) It’s been tough because my parents have very different mindsets than I do, and we don’t see eye to eye. I think that they expect me to be perfect sometimes, and one person just can’t fulfill that. Wedding planning itself hasn’t been bad, though.
Post # 11
My mom is awesome, hands down. Definitely treats me more like a friend than a daughter now that i’m an adult, and sometimes gives out unsolicited, dumb advice, but hey, I can’t complain. We are besties. My relationship with my mom really makes me want to have a daughter and hopefully have the same bond with her.
Post # 12
@Serya- I agree that if my mom was not my mom I would still like her as a person. It is nice to be able to like your mom for who she is as a person, especially when you have a complicated relationship. I can totally empathise with that.
@lilyfaith- I remember posts you have written on your mom before. I am so sorry that you have such a confusing relationship with her. It’s hard to cope when your mom is the one who doesnt know what she wants. It’s easy to feel torn. I’m an only child too and there can be SO much pressure to be everything they want you to be. Being able to move beyond that is so healthy and I am glad that you have found balence in your own life.
@ejs4y8 and futureMM- you guys are so lucky! It has been about 6 months since my mom has backed off from feeling the need to “protect” me. It is so validating to be able to tell her things and not be afraid of getting a lecture or unsolicited advice all the time. I really admire you ladies for being able to form close friendships with your moms! It sounds like you have found the balence!
Post # 13
I get along well with my mom now and I enjoy her company, even though I don’t get to see her that often. She lives several states away.
However, I’ve never felt like my mom was very motherly, for lack of a better word. Without giving specific examples, I’ll just say I was an “accident” and my parents were not married when I was born. Unfortunately I think that this fact was apparent in many aspects of my life when I was growing up.
I think my mom is a good person and we have a good relationship, but I definitely did not experience the same type of upbringing with my mother from others that I have known. She was certainly far from the smothering, over-concerned and babying mother type.
Post # 14
My mom is one of my best friends. She really is.
BUT, it’s a very complicated relationship:
1. We’re polar opposites and cannot stand to be with each other longer than 5-6 days tops. Otherwise, we start bickering and fighting about stupid stuff (she’s incredibly messy, and I’m neat and tidy).
2. My mom made some mistakes when we were little. Nothing traumatizing, and every mother makes mistakes, but I sometimes find myself resenting her slightly for them at times. I also know this is my own problem.
3. When it comes down to it, I love my mom, and couldn’t imagine my life without her. She’s always been there for my sister and I (she was/is a single mom), and she the very best she could. I admire her in a lot of ways, and she makes me laugh like no one else can.
Post # 15
Mine and my mom’s relationship has always been very strong. Don’t get me wrong, we’ve had our arguments and I’m sure I’m to blame for the majority of her gray hairs, but we’re really good friends and are close. I’m thankful that we have such a tight bond. I know I can tell her/ask her anything, which is comforting. She’s been a fantastic mom and I couldn’t be more thankful for her :]
Post # 16
My relationship with my mom has always been very shaky…
Don’t get me wrong. I love her so much and respect her, and I know that she loves me too. But I feel like the love that she gives is conditional in some ways. She is very rigid and very concerned with appearances. So much so that growing up I had so many issues because of how hyper critical she was of me and how I presented myself in the public eye. Mind you I am a professional and never got into any major trouble with the law..just little things like..you should talk to people like this,, you should eat at the table like this..I”m sure everyone has little issues like that with their mom, and I learned to respect her as a person, and realize she is just that..a person..who is imperfect. I am very sad though, because it seems like just as we got to a point where we had a decent relationship this wedding has really pulled us further apart. Besides my dress and the venue I have had no say in anything having to do with the wedding, which I didn’t complain about because I am not paying. But now she is creating so much drama with everything from trying to control the rehersal dinner, and even details having to do with the groomsmen..and when I voice my opinion to her she feels that I am taking my fiance’s side or my inlaws side. I am so thankful that I have a sister who is supportive of me and understands exactly what I’m going through. But, I am sad because I want to have a relationship that is great with my mom, but I can’t. So I just focus on the fact that I love her, she gave birth to me, and one day she will be gone and I will miss her. And so I always respect her and love her. But honestly I feel that her need to seem like she is following proper protocol, or to appear good to other people superceeds her love for me.