(Closed) Your thoughts: Relationship after marriage

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
2442 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

It depends upon the individuals that make up the couples.  If they see value in treating the other person well, then they will continue to do so.  It may come naturally or it may have to be done with some amount of intentional effort (which I don’t think is bad either).  If one or both spouses doesn’t find value in this after the wedding, then they won’t make the effort.  Of course, as children come into play, careers change, people age etc. things will change.  And different doesn’t necessarily mean bad.  

Post # 4
5242 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

I have heard alot of horror marriage stories and break ups in my line of work also but I dont let it bug me. I feel that people do change over the years but you just have to learn to adapt to the changes. I think it definetly depends on the people in the relationships. Dont listen to people who are bitter about marriage they feel this way because there relationships are doing bad but that doesnt mean this will happen to you.

Post # 5
7293 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

We saved a lot of stuff for marriage, so marriage has been awesome! Lots of exploration, firsts, and future plans! It is like the high point, instead of perhaps the descent.

Just remember marriage is what you make it. It can go south at 100 miles per hour if you let it or it can soar and cruise smooth and steady. Its not all fairys and rainbows, there is going to be some tough stuff and fights, but you have to set boundaries, learn forgiveness and remember your vows and what marriage means.

Also i think a big factor for people is why they decided to get married. Was it to “fix something”,for fun on a whim, desperation, just because thats what you do next?  You want to really know the person and do some good counseling to make sure you are on all the same pages about lifes big issues !

Post # 6
10367 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

I think that the people you work with 1. made exceptionally poor personal decisions and 2. are assuming that their one experience applies to all 7 billion people on earth.

People get married for a lot of reasons other than being in love and making a responsible next step. Every single person I know that got married “because we’ve been together for 3 years now and that’s what you’re supposed to do” or because of a pregnancy, or because “that’s how old my parents were so it’s time” are either divorced or miserable now. Everyone that took their time, and did it for the right reasons is still happily married many years in.

Somebody has to make up the divorce stats. Might as well be them instead of me!

Post # 7
5096 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

All I can go on is my own experience. We lived together for 5+ years before we got married. The first year was definitely an adjustment. Nothing has changed in the way we treat each other after the wedding, though.

I also wonder what your coworker meant about “treating you well.” Did he used to bring her flowers and stopped? Did he start expecting her to do all the housework? Did he start treating her with disrespect?  There’s a wide range. It wouldn’t surprise me if men stopped doing things like flowers once the “wooing” phase was done. My Darling Husband was never a flower-bringing kind of guy, but he has always treated me with respect and affection, so it’s not an issue. And he knows he has to do his share around the house!

Post # 8
315 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 1997

Yes, it is true that the way we treat our spouse is different than the way we treat our gf/bf. We work to impress when we are dating. But once we are married we stop “impressing” and change to maintaining and growing.

The answer in my opinion is “communication”. Make sure you talk about the big things and the little things. Many couples fall into the habit of only talking about the “bad” things. That is because the good things are much easier to handle. It takes more work and often the couple needs to work together in order to handle the “bad” things. We don’t need as much help from our spouse to handle the “good” things.

I also believe that doing little things like writing notes and sticking them in pockets, is a good thing. This goes along with having date nights/couple time, no work talk allowed. The little things matter, don’t allow yourself or him to forget marriage is a continuous work in progress. But it is one of the most rewarding and wonderful jobs in the world.

Post # 9
2263 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

That’s a big question 😉 I think post-marriage happiness can be greater than pre-marriage happiness (it has been for me and DH). We didn’t have a honeymoon period at all but lived together for months before the wedding. He has not stopped treating me like a princess since our first date. I chalk that up to his huge sweet teddy-bear personality. He’s a gushy guy and I honestly believe he will show me he loves me until he dies. I’m blessed with a very open, honest guy to live with. 🙂 

I think there are some important ideas that couples let slide when they start having issues. Everyone will fight, everyone will have issues they do not agree upon but I don’t think every marriage has to suck because of that. 

-openess/honesty- Living in the same place, being married I’ve had to change my mindset to ‘we’ instead of ‘me’. This is no longer my car it is OUR car, this is no longer my bathroom it is OUR bathroom. What’s mine is yours and vice versa. Even my time. I realize I can’t be selfish with my time with my affection towards Darling Husband, with anything really or it leads to problems. Likewise I feel he has to be open and honest with me and be willing to sacrifice certain things for the greater good of us together (time away, PS2 time lol , certain things) 

-fighting- constructive, respectful fighting…. we’re still working on this one. Listening to each other and rephrasing what the other just said to make sure WE understand has been a big thing to stop an argument when it happens or to at least get to the heart of it. Being petty or immature, on either side will only lead to more unhappiness. I know couples who fight this way and it’s hard to watch. If you are not the main supporter and friend to your spouse… who is? Who else will be there cheering him or her on when you are not? 

Those are just a few thoughts I had just now but I hope that helps. I really believe marriage is what you make it. 

Post # 10
5199 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

All I know is that I have an incredibly fulfilling, loving, and wonderful marriage. My husband shows his love through words and action everyday. I feel, very, very blessed to be with such an emotionally aware, conscious, open, honest, caring, compassionate, loving and beautiful man. He was this way before marriage (or I would not have married him!) and he certainly has remained so afterward.

All I know is my own experience, but what works for us is a commitment to stay engaged and connected with each other, to listen, to remain curious, to be open to personal growth in ourselves and each other, and to foster the idea that our marriage is what WE make of it. We talk about everything. Important, unimportant, little, big, painful, joyful, hopeful, disappointed, deepest dreams and scariest fears. Everything. We did this when we were dating, as well, but we did not grow lazy after marriage and stop doing this! We continously strive to be authentic with each other, to know and be known.

We are very respectful and loving, even if we disagree on something. We work together as a team to tackle the tough things, and never attack each other. We are not the source of our difficulties, life throws sh!t our way sometimes, but we handle it as a team.

We married as we wanted to be together, as we felt we were life partners and wanted to be so, as we were ready as individuals and as a couple for it. It was not out of fear, insecurity, social expectations, and so forth, and therefore we have found it very “easy” to be married. While it does feel “different” in unexpected ways from when we were dating or living together, it has been in a very positive ways that we have embraced and enjoyed, rather than we felt were negative.

People tend to project their own experiences and fears on others. I would not give it much weight. If that is what your boss believes, there is little chance of changing his mind, and all you can do is live your life in the knowledge that you have and are experiencing something much different than he seems to assume. I have seen my share of pretty miserable and dysfunctional marriages as well, but the reason they are like this is not because they exchanged vows. There is much more to it than that.

Post # 11
753 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Lol, what your client said is BS. 

I dunno, I’ve been married going on 2 years now. Nothing had changed, but then, we had been living like we were married for over 2 years when we finally tied the knot. There’s no real “secret” to it, because every couple is different, so something that works for one person may not work for another. 

I’d say the baseline things that all marriages need is love, respect, and willingness to compromise. 

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