(Closed) You're abusing the system comment from my "friend"

posted 3 years ago in The Lounge
Post # 16
562 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

Abusing the system would be lying to the government to scam more than you are entitled to, so I disagree with her statement that you are abusing the system but generally I would suggest avoid talking finances with friends, especially in a situation with such a big discrepancy in income. Likely she said this out of frustration knowing how difficult raising a child is on her income alone while you have a husband with a good income to support you in addition to government benefits.

Post # 17
5827 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2011

These are the consequences of oversharing. Why does she know your household income? Why are you so comfortable telling her what she can and can’t afford to do? The only person on the planet who knows what I earn is my Darling Husband because that is the only persons opinions on my finances I care to hear.

No, you’re not abusing the system as it exists today but she is probably frustrated by her circumstances at the moment. If she’s a good friend I would just let it go and learn to be more sensitive to her financial struggles. 

My Darling Husband and I are both high income earners and we are disqualified from tons of tax advantages in the US, does it blow? Yes. But by the same token I’m not trying to trade places and earn less so I can deduct more.

Post # 18
984 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

She sounds like she’s in a really tough situation. It’s not surprising she might come off as sounding a bit resentful. 

Also, it’s hard to sympathize with people who have a decent, humane program for maternity leave and benefits. Here, we get 0, much less being paid a “baby bonus”. 

Post # 19
2005 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

railroaderwifeyxo :  Sounds like she is saying you don’t deserve the same amount of benefits as her because your personal life choices have been to good. Because you chose marriage and a husband that earns good money and a better job. Not gonna lie bee she sounds jealous. I would be ofended at her abusing the system comment. May be it is she who is abusing the system expecting to get more benefits because of her own choices.

Post # 20
555 posts
Busy bee

As far as I’m concerned, if you work and pay your taxes you should be entitled to your benefits, regardless of how much money you make.

Sometimes people find themselves in difficult circumstances and seem resentful of others who are better off, try not to take it personally. 

Post # 21
1043 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

I can definitely see how this conversation could have rubbed your friend the wrong way.

Your household income is more than 10x what hers is, and household income is what matters here because that’s what pays the rent/mortgage etc. So you shouldn’t try to pretend that your situations are similar.

When you complained about not having enough money to stay home, I’m not at all surprised that she took it badly. You could afford to stay home on just your husband’s salary if that was your priority, regardless of the baby bonus and mat leave rate. If you prefer instead to maintain a certain lifestyle in terms of housing, vacations, etc., that’s a *choice* that you’ve made. And it’s a choice that your friend, with her much lower income, presumably doesn’t have at all.

Post # 22
7416 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

Abusing the system would be not getting legally married so that your benefits would be based just on your salary and would therefore be higher. Which sadly several bees do. But if the law says “z income means you get x amount of benefit”  and you declare z and claim x, you’re following the law. Your friend should run for office if she thinks that  the benefits are too generous for high earners. 

Post # 23
9580 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2016

railroaderwifeyxo :  telling someone it’s easier to survive on 3.3k per year than on 130k per year was probably your fatal flaw.  It added insult to jealousy, and as a result she lashed out.

Ignore it, but also think about what you’re saying to someone who’se about to try and survive on 3.3k per year.

Post # 24
355 posts
Helper bee

I’m confused. Am I reading a different post than other people? OP didn’t tell her that she couldn’t stay at home. The friend was the one that ASSUMED that OP would stay at home, because if it works for her, why not everyone. Well it doesn’t always work that way. Darling Husband & I couldn’t afford a pay cut, we have med bills from after his insurance paid their share and his car insurance is more than some people pay for a car note, because he didn’t get a license until after he was 18. Just because he has a good income, no one takes into account that he pays to have a car what most people pay in rent just to have a reliable ride to get too work. OP didn’t make assumptions, her friend did.

Post # 25
265 posts
Helper bee

I think you should think about how your comments might have come off the wrong way to her verses her comment rubbing you the wrong way. Your friend is clearly in a rough spot right now and you cannot relate to it at all.. not a negative thing that you can’t relate but practicing empathy would be good for you in this case. 


Post # 26
2400 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

It’s the same concept in America. Low earners get all sorts of tax credits at the end of the year.  Thousands of $$. Meanwhile, I’m paying several thousand.

Post # 27
161 posts
Blushing bee

Just to let you know there’s actually a ceiling amount with the 55%. So I make $70,000/year and the maximum amount on mat is 55% of $51,000 so although I make more than that I will not be getting 55% of my actual income. 

My fiancé makes double what I make so the extended mat leave would make sense for us. I can see what you were trying to say to your friend. Don’t let it bother you, she’ll do what she thinks is right for her. 

Post # 29
656 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

Your husband makes over 100k a year but you basically told her not everyone has the luxury of getting $500- $800 a month from the government….that’s why she’s mad and I would be too. 

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