Post # 1
After several months of dating SO and I had our first full blown fight! Yippee.
How it started? We were bickering about me going back to school. He offered to pay and it is his opinion that it is something I should do, given my current work situation and the competitive nature of the field. I explained to him that I will do what I see fit for my life, but thanks anyway. (I don’t want a relatively new boyfriend paying for my schooling… it seems crazy to me… just no.)
He then says to me, very matter-of-fact… “You are not normal.” I asked him what exactly that was supposed to mean. (What is normal anyway?… I certainly don’t know.) He repeats, “You just aren’t normal. It’s fine, I can handle it.”
We have since made up.
However, the verdict remains: I apparently am “not normal.”
How would you interpret that mildly condescending comment?
Post # 2
Anna113619: You’re not normal because you don’t seem gracious of his offer to pay for school? I’m just guessing here.
Post # 3
Anna113619: I would take it as a mildly condescending comment…and move on…?
Sorry, I fail to see the issue here. It sounds like spat is all.
Post # 4
bee.anonymous: You’re right… I am pretty sure it is mostly about him paying for school… but I just fail to see how it makes me “not normal.” It just seemed like such an offbeat comment to me.
Post # 5
The two in combination send up a red flag. Well, actually 3:
1. Who, after a few months, TELLS someone they should go to school (since it sounds like it was his idea in the first place) and then offers to pay for it? A girlfriend of a few months?
2. That he offers to pay for it at all. It’d be one thing if you were married and shared finances, but it’s a little weird.
3. That he then decides to tell you that you’re not “normal.” Which is wildly inappropriate for ANYONE to say. No one’s “normal.”
Look, here is “normal”: *most people,* if someone they loved brought up the subject of school and said, “Gee, I think I really want to go” would say, “Sounds great! You’ll do awesome!” or whatever and IF they were committed, perhaps they’d say, “Well, if you need it, I can help you out/maybe we can live together”. My own DH and I had only dated for about 6 months when I decided to go to grad school and his response was “Great!” and then he helped me study for the GREs.
And it sounds like what your BF said is: “You should go to school and I should pay for it and if you don’t agree you’re not normal.”
THAT sounds controlling.
You know him better than me, but I’d certainly be wary and annoyed.
Post # 6
Anna113619: How many, exactly, is “several months” of dating?
Post # 7
This line of yours “I explained to him that I will do what I see fit for my life, but thanks anyway.” comes across as a confrontational comment. I’m guessing he was expecting you to either accept his help, or be really grateful and politely decline. Maybe you did, but maybe you didn’t. If you responded “I’ll do what I see fit for my life, thanks anyways” it could have come off as rude? Like you didn’t appreciate his offer. So maybe that’s what he’s getting at?
It IS pretty darn generous of him to offer that. Especially if it’s something that would really help you in your field. I think it’s smart you’re not indebting yourself to him, but I do think a “Wow, that’s really generous of you! I don’t feel comfortable accepting money from a SO, only from a fiance or a spouse (or a parent? family?), but I really appreciate how much you want to and are willing to support me. Thanks.”
Also — agree with BurlapnLace, it’s probably nothing more than a passing comment. No one is normal, because we’re all different and we’ve all defined normal as whatever WE do, so how can anyone else be normal? 😉
Post # 8
I’m not normal either, so you’re in good company 😉
In all seriousness, I’m sure he has his offbeat traits too, and it’s rude, to me, to act like your weirdness is something he has to “handle” rather than embrace.
Post # 9
xstitchbride425: YES… EXACTLY what offended me. Like my weirdness is something he has to handle. Ugh.
Post # 10
Two more comments…<br /><br />Like BothCoasts said, if he’s trying to PUSH you into school (not just saying “hey I think this would help you” because you WANT to go back eventually) and you DON’T want to go, then that’s controlling. There are people who would like you to be indebted to them, because then they effectively have a “one up” on you, or they “own” you. Watch out for those people.
Second, my FI and I tell each other “you’re not normal” allllll the time, but it’s more in a sweet/I-love-your-kind-of-crazy way. Same with me and my friends. So I would disagree with BothCoasts on that point, that it’s innappropriate for anyone to say. I think it can be said in a loving way, just maybe it wasn’t in this case.
Post # 12
I might get a little miffed is someone responded to me in the manner that you did, but I would also feel a little uncomfortable is someone I hadn’t been seeing for that long offered to pay for my school. Meh, it’s a growing pain!
Post # 13
BothCoasts: Yes, I did get a controlling vibe. I answered with some snark, as I felt that he was telling me what I should do rather than gently offering a suggestion. It kind of spiraled from there.
Post # 14
Anna113619: Well, 7 months. I can’t judge your entire relationship on one post you wrote, but after 7 months, we were already living together and discussing marriage. Perhaps his male ego is hurt, he feels slighted, or he feels like you don’t love him the same way he loves you.
Post # 15
he thinks ur not normal because he wants to pay ur school for you and you dont want him to.
…oh men, the joys lol 😛
dont let it bug ya babe, i get called crazy on the regular lol