(Closed) You're so frustrating (vent)

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
2781 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Oh wow, tough situation you have their. I would reccommend against telling her you don’t approve. The only one who can open her eyes to how bad this situation is would be her. All you can do is be a good friend and be their for her. It’s difficult to watch a friend heading towards something bad for her, but you also can’t decide for her. I was with my ex for 5 yrs and no one liked him, not even a little bit, and they never made it a secret their distaste for him. That didn’t make me end things any sooner, all it did was cause stress and distant in all my other relationships with those closest to me. My ex was bad for me, but the problem wasn’t that I was oblivious as many outsiders choose to think and feel its their place to voice. The problem was I just wasn’t yet ready to walk away, even knowing how bad of a relationship I was in. This girl will open her eyes to how terrible her situation is, and when she does she needs to feel her friends and family are ther for her, and aren’t going to just say that they warned her. This is a hard situation to tread, but I suggest you tread carefully.

Post # 4
169 posts
Blushing bee

@beenonymous765:  It seems like there are two very separate issues going on:

1) Your worry for her relationship. For this, you might decide to have a heart-to-heart with her where you tell her exactly what her SO said to your Fiance about using her for sex. Tell her you’re afraid that he’ll hurt her, and that even if his intentions now are good, you’re afraid of the misery she’ll suffer while he goes through his divorce, and for the rest of their lives as they’re forced to interact with his nutty (eventual) ex-wife. But if you have this kind of conversation with her, I think you have to be prepared that you’ll really hurt her feelings, and she likely will ignore your opinion and continue on to make her own mistakes. She’s an adult, and that’s what we do. And depending on how you handle this, it might make her cling even harder to the relationship because she feels like you’ve abandoned her – especially if you tell her that you’re uncomfortable helping her plan a wedding due to your reservations about the relationship. Still, if I were you, my innate honesty and worry for her would probably guide me to have some version of this conversation, even if I still agree to support her fully in her decision to continue with the wedding planning.

2) Your jealousy that she can afford a more expensive wedding, and your feeling that she’s ‘stealing your thunder’ (trying on dresses on “your day” to try on dresses, etc), and you really just don’t want to be involved in her wedding planning. For this, you can either:

A) Suck it up, because it’s kinda bridezilla-ish to not be willing to help her plan, when she’s been willing to be in your wedding party and help YOU plan. Theoretically, it should be fun to plan together – you’ll have someone who is equally interested in all the crazy details and stresses of wedding planning. I think for most brides, they’re disappointed in how little anyone else wants to talk wedding 24/7…

B) Extract yourself from the situation. Maybe you can spin it that you’re feeling overwhelmed with wedding planning, and you don’t feel capable of supporting her wedding planning during this time, too. Respectuflly feel her out about stepping down from being in your wedding party, since she now has so many other obligations planning her own wedding. But I think this has real potential of damaging your relationship… I would be more inclined to suck it up and support her, even though she may be making a mistake.


Post # 5
3305 posts
Sugar bee

How is she going to plan for a wedding when her boyfriend hasn’t proposed nor is divorced…. Back away from the crazy and remove her from your life.

Post # 6
1527 posts
Bumble bee

It seems really obvious that she’s just jealous of you. She’s trying to turn this into the happy ending she sees you having by having the dream wedding you would have if you could afford it. Unfortunately (for her), expensive weddings don’t mean happy or healthy marriages and obviously her boyfriend isn’t going to be a good husband, because he’s admitted he’s using her for sex. 

In any case, he won’t be divorced by then if he hasn’t even filed papers and they have custody issues to work out. I would voice your concern logistically–that you’re worried because he’s said he just wants sex and because he has four kids and an ex wife he’s still dealing with. Odds are, it won’t last anyway and they’ll break up before their “date”. 

I’m sure it sucks for her to be recently divorced and helping plan your wedding, because it reminds her of what she wants and doesn’t have. But she has to work through the pain and healing and be happy with herself, and unfortunately people have to walk that path on their own and ask for help when they need it.

I would just tell her your concerns, say that you care about her and support her (or the point where you cannot support her) and drop it. She has to figure it out on her own or she won’t figure out her mistakes.

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