(Closed) Zero sex life — before the wedding?

posted 6 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

I’m really sorry you are going through this, but I will say, my husband and I have been together for 8 years, and our sex life is still great. It may not be as often, but its at least once a week, more if our schedules allow it. I know that I could never marry someone I wasn’t sexually compatible with, and I’m glad we are.

I am not really sure how to give advice if your Fiance is resistant to even talk about it

Post # 4
Member
253 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I’m sorry you are going through that! That sucks. I don’t really know how to relate. My fiance and I were waiting until marriage (that lasted about a year and a half-I was a virgin before) and now it is hard to keep ourselves off each other. I can’t imagine how it would be to feel like you do. I know that when my fiance is stressed, sometimes he is less prone to wanting to have sex. Too much on his mind. He will get distracted and then it just doesn’t do it for him. Maybe your fiance is struggling with something like that? Have you considered premarital counseling? It is ALWAYS a good thing to do because you learn to work through this type of stuff so your marriage is stronger!

You could try not giving him much of an option… guys like spontaneity. Just go for it. Get all sexied up and just GO FOR IT. Also, people have different love languages. Google 5 love languages if you haven’t heard of it already. It will seriously change your life and relationship for the better.

But that is my opinion. Get all sexied up so he can’t resist, when he comes home from work one day, just be ready and jump him. That’s what I would do anyway! Good luck!

Post # 7
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

@chasingcrazy:  Like I said, if he doesn’t find issue with it, then its really hard to make a change. Unfortunately, it sounds like he is fine with the amount of sex you are having. If that’s the case, you are going to have to be brutally honest with yourself and see if this is something that you can deal with the rest of your life.  Do you think it would cause a fight if you were honest with him, and told him that you believe this is an issue, and needs to be addressed?

Post # 8
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

@chasingcrazy:  are you getting married in a religious church? You could always try to do premarital counseling with someone who isn’t religious, so you could get some real, sound advice on what you could do. It really all depends on if you can deal with this and accept him for the way he is. The last thing you want is to get married, realize it isn’t working for you, and start thinking of ways to make it work…without him.

Post # 9
Member
1110 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

It’s bothering me that he said “you’ve made it this way”. First of all, if he feels that way he better explain why, and tell you what you can do to make him more comfortable having sex. Second of all, it worries me that it could be a habit of his to make relationship issues “you” problems and not “us” problems. My husband is 30 and he’s no sex maniac, I think age has something to do with it, but we’re still affectionate and kissy and stuff… is your husband loving in other ways? Some couples only have sex occasionally but are intimate in other ways, you seem to be lacking in all kinds of intimacy considering you don’t feel pretty or wanted. I agree with PP, he may just have a low sex drive, but I don’t think it should get in the way of you feeling loved and valued.

Post # 10
Member
253 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

@chasingcrazy:  What are yours and his primary love languages? The key to using those to your advantage is that you need to make sure to speak HIS language, and he needs to make sure to speak yours. If his language is gifts, then you need to be intentional about making sure you leave sweet notes for him and things like that, etc. If his love language is physical affection (it doesn’t sound like it) then it is possible that he feels you don’t want it because you aren’t making any moves. My man will purposely WAIT to do anything, won’t make any moves on me, because he wants to see if I will make a move-to see if I really want it. Suggesting it verbally doesn’t do it for him. He wants me to show that I want him. Maybe something like that is happening? Maybe not?

Post # 11
Member
706 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I think that couple’s counseling with a licensed therapist is a must. The fact that he gets so defensive when you try to share your perspective leads me to believe that this is about more than just biology. I’m sure it’s embarassing for him, but he should be open to communication at least. Eight years is a long time for patterns to set in, and you should assume that things will remain the same (or get worse) if you get married, unless you two take some major steps to change your relationship.

Don’t feel like you are alone, because a lot of couples go through this. But regardless, this is a serious issue and you and your fiance need to work it out before you move forward with the wedding, IMO. You both deserve to be happy. I’m curious: how is your communication outside of this particular issue? What is your husband’s normal reaction to you bringing up a problem with him? Do you feel that you are both very open with your wants and needs, or do you tend to bottle things up?

Post # 12
Member
1133 posts
Bumble bee

Oh I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I can think many of us women can relate to the feeling unnattractive or our partners “not wanting us” type thing, at least once in our lives. First think that comes to mind is that this probably isn’t uncommon. You always hear about married couples who’s sex lives just keep dwindling. I think open communication is VERY important. It may be the fact that your Fiance is experiencing a very low sex drive?? I’m sure men feel embarassed or confused by this, since they are so sexual. It may be that he is realllllyyyy holding onto some grudges about these past arguments that you two have had, although I hope it’s not that, because that’s definitely not mature. If he’s not willing to be open about it, it’s going to leave you both in the dark until you find out what’s going on. What happens if you initiate or try to seduce him, does he turn you down?? When I feel like my SO hasn’t been as affectionate or more “distant” than normal I try to show him that I want HIM as well…It’s so hard to judge the situation without knowing the details BUT I think you guys need to really talk. I can definitely see why you’re upset and seeking help from us because no, I don’t think it’s normal if your relationship hasn’t always been this way. I wish you the best of luck hun, I hope you can get it out him!!

Post # 13
Member
171 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I am so sorry you are going through this. But unless he agrees to seek medical help and professional counseling, you should think very carefully about whether you can marry him. I think you are perfectly justified for not wanting a sex life like this forever. Who would??? This would be a deal breaker for me – not just the sex, but his unwillingness to work on issues within your relationship. 

Post # 16
Member
174 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I considered going anon for this post, but I figured what the hell…

Anyway. chasingcrazy believe it or not I’ve been considering posting about this exact issue for the last few days and the only difference between your post and what I would have put is that you put it first.

I’ve been with my fi for nearly 4 years and while I love him and know he loves me we have the exact same intimacy issue. I’ve got a much higher sex drive than him and I’ve never made a secret of that. When we first got together we didn’t sleep together for a couple of months. I wanted to wait, because I knew from the word go that this was going to be a significant relationship for me and wanted to make our first time together special.

And when we did start sleeping together it was hot. We slept together every time we saw one another for 6 months or so and it was the best I’ve ever had. Over the years it has slowed down as it naturally does in a relationship and now we have sex about once a month, it’s always me who initiates it and sometimes I actually get turned down and I always feel so rejected.  Usually exuses the issue by saying I can’t just jump on him and expect him to be turned on, but even when we “plan” sex its never him that comes on to me.

We’ve discussed it over the years, he always agree that he could make more of an effort but for some reason or another it never changes anything.  Sometimes when I want to do it, he says not now but “tomorrow” and I feel like he’s haggling with me about when we are allowed to do it and frankly it hurts. 

The strange thing is when we do have sex it’s still good, and sometimes elborate, so it puzzles me that it’s such a struggle to get it more. He’s very affectionate with hugs and saying “i love you” and when we go to sleep every night, he holds me so close like he’d never let me go.

The problem between you and me is essentially the same. I’m scared. Scared that this is it for the rest of our lives. I think we have a fantastic relationship for the most part and sometimes I think that what we have in other areas of our lives makes up for the sex- ie. I’d rather be with him with less sex than be with someone I couldn’t trust or who didn’t make me truely happy.

I’m not offering up any advice, since I’m in the same situation, but just wanted to let you know, you’re not alone with this feeling. Let me know if you have a break though, I could use the insight!

 

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