- 8 years ago
Regular poster here, going anonymous…
I have to get this off my chest. I keep searching the Intimacy boards, hoping someone else out there has been through this before and come out on top and then I can calm down about it, but it doesn’t seem that anyone else out there is in this boat.. or at least, not talking about it.
My fiance and I have been together for around 9 years. Our sex life was never that great. I think, way back, it was initially a few times a month. Then in the last few years it was around once a month and then recently, every two months… and now, starting last summer…. it has been every three months!
We have had some hard times in the last two years, but we seem to have really over come them in the last 9 months, I’d say. We are back at planning the wedding, discussing the future, children… things seem the best they have been in years. I know we have stress, from work and financial issues, and that has gotten me down, so I can imagine how he must feel.
I have tried to talk about the sex, well, lack thereof, and I suggested he get his testosterone levels checked. He got mighty defensive and said, “when I want to have sex, I will.”
I asked him if he has been pleasuring himself, and he has said no to that as well.
I feel like this is a lull and I don’t want to pressure him and make this situation worse, but just before I fall asleep, sometimes I have this mini panic like, ‘oh my god, is this how my sex life is going to be for the rest of my life?’ I start wondering if we should be getting married. It is my ONLY cause for doubt.
I love him and want to have a family with him, but I just don’t know if I can take this. I feel so ugly, and when people compliment me and say I look beautiful or something, I find myself feeling shocked when I have never had insecurity issues.
I am in my late twenties and my fiance is in his mid thirties. I would just assume it is a rut or possibly his age, but with our sad sex life track record, I fear this is it. I am trying to convince myself that things will get better, but I just feel as though I am lying to myself.
I also have to admit, that when I ask him about why he doesn’t do certain things anymore, he tells me, ‘you have made things this way.’. I suppose he is referring to the terrible fights we have had in the past. He seems to hang on to things forever.
We have put off the wedding due to those things, and as I said, things have been great lately. He wanted to start up the wedding planning again and even made a joke about ‘no more cancelling’. I am so confused. I hate myself for thinking of not marrying him, because of this, but I also don’t want to spend my life feeling lonely.
I am also finding myself feeling increasingly jealous of other couples who are having sex. A girl from work, who is 8 months pregnant, said she is fighting to keep her husband off her. And then there is me… my fiance won’t even touch me.
I convince myself that these ‘other couples’ who are having sex, just haven’t been together as long as we have, or that they are still in the ‘new’ stages… But I know I am lying to myself and it is really is a problem. It is starting to eat away at me and my self esteem. I can’t understand why other men look at me but my own fiance won’t?
Anyway, without making this any longer than it already is, please tell me someone out there can relate? I feel like I’m the only one.
Any advice would be great.
Thanks for reading. I feel better… and worse, just saying it out loud.