(Closed) Zero sex life — before the wedding?

posted 8 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 1
Member
9 posts
Newbee

Regular poster here, going anonymous…

I have to get this off my chest. I keep searching the Intimacy boards, hoping someone else out there has been through this before and come out on top and then I can calm down about it, but it doesn’t seem that anyone else out there is in this boat.. or at least, not talking about it. 

Here goes…

My fiance and I have been together for around 9 years. Our sex life was never that great. I think, way back, it was initially a few times a month. Then in the last few years it was around once a month and then recently, every two months… and now, starting last summer…. it has been every three months! 

We have had some hard times in the last two years, but we seem to have really over come them in the last 9 months, I’d say. We are back at planning the wedding, discussing the future, children… things seem the best they have been in years. I know we have stress, from work and financial issues, and that has gotten me down, so I can imagine how he must feel. 

I have tried to talk about the sex, well, lack thereof, and I suggested he get his testosterone levels checked. He got mighty defensive and said, “when I want to have sex, I will.” 

I asked him if he has been pleasuring himself, and he has said no to that as well. 

I feel like this is a lull and I don’t want to pressure him and make this situation worse, but just before I fall asleep, sometimes I have this mini panic like, ‘oh my god, is this how my sex life is going to be for the rest of my life?’ I start wondering if we should be getting married. It is my ONLY cause for doubt.

I love him and want to have a family with him, but I just don’t know if I can take this. I feel so ugly, and when people compliment me and say I look beautiful or something, I find myself feeling shocked when I have never had insecurity issues.

I am in my late twenties and my fiance is in his mid thirties. I would just assume it is a rut or possibly his age, but with our sad sex life track record, I fear this is it. I am trying to convince myself that things will get better, but I just feel as though I am lying to myself.

I also have to admit, that when I ask him about why he doesn’t do certain things anymore, he tells me, ‘you have made things this way.’. I suppose he is referring to the terrible fights we have had in the past. He seems to hang on to things forever. 

We have put off the wedding due to those things, and as I said, things have been great lately. He wanted to start up the wedding planning again and even made a joke about ‘no more cancelling’. I am so confused. I hate myself for thinking of not marrying him, because of this, but I also don’t want to spend my life feeling lonely.

I am also finding myself feeling increasingly jealous of other couples who are having sex. A girl from work, who is 8 months pregnant, said she is fighting to keep her husband off her. And then there is me… my fiance won’t even touch me.

I convince myself that these ‘other couples’ who are having sex, just haven’t been together as long as we have, or that they are still in the ‘new’ stages… But I know I am lying to myself and it is really is a problem. It is starting to eat away at me and my self esteem. I can’t understand why other men look at me but my own fiance won’t? 

Anyway, without making this any longer than it already is, please tell me someone out there can relate? I feel like I’m the only one.

Any advice would be great. 

Thanks for reading. I feel better… and worse, just saying it out loud.

Post # 3
Member
7429 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

I’m really sorry you are going through this, but I will say, my husband and I have been together for 8 years, and our sex life is still great. It may not be as often, but its at least once a week, more if our schedules allow it. I know that I could never marry someone I wasn’t sexually compatible with, and I’m glad we are.

I am not really sure how to give advice if your Fiance is resistant to even talk about it

Post # 4
Member
253 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I’m sorry you are going through that! That sucks. I don’t really know how to relate. My fiance and I were waiting until marriage (that lasted about a year and a half-I was a virgin before) and now it is hard to keep ourselves off each other. I can’t imagine how it would be to feel like you do. I know that when my fiance is stressed, sometimes he is less prone to wanting to have sex. Too much on his mind. He will get distracted and then it just doesn’t do it for him. Maybe your fiance is struggling with something like that? Have you considered premarital counseling? It is ALWAYS a good thing to do because you learn to work through this type of stuff so your marriage is stronger!

You could try not giving him much of an option… guys like spontaneity. Just go for it. Get all sexied up and just GO FOR IT. Also, people have different love languages. Google 5 love languages if you haven’t heard of it already. It will seriously change your life and relationship for the better.

But that is my opinion. Get all sexied up so he can’t resist, when he comes home from work one day, just be ready and jump him. That’s what I would do anyway! Good luck!

Post # 5
Member
9 posts
Newbee

@MrsSl82be: Thanks for the honesty. It is a relief in a way, to know this is not the standard after this many years. At the same time, a hard reality pill to swallow. I’m sure you two, in your 8 years, have overcome many hiccups and are still going strong. Why can’t that be us? God I envy your sex life.

Strange thing is, I am bringing it up, a lot lately, more than usual, and he just doesn’t seem fazed by it. How is it not bothering him too?

I seriously feel like we are the only couple out there not having sex. 

Post # 6
Member
9 posts
Newbee

@nikole.powell.np:  Thanks for the tips! I really should put on something sexy and make a move, but to be honest, I am feeling so down, I feel as though he would just reject me and then I would be in a far worse place, emotionally.

I haven’t read the 5 Love Languages, but I have taken the test online, and he and I are clearly speaking different languages. Something I have known for years, and have come to accept, but lately, I suppose with the wedding planning, I am really starting to take our no existent sex life, pretty seriously.

As for the pre-marital counseling, I am looking forward to that. However, sex before marriage is a little bit of a touchy subject…

Post # 7
Member
7429 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

@chasingcrazy:  Like I said, if he doesn’t find issue with it, then its really hard to make a change. Unfortunately, it sounds like he is fine with the amount of sex you are having. If that’s the case, you are going to have to be brutally honest with yourself and see if this is something that you can deal with the rest of your life.  Do you think it would cause a fight if you were honest with him, and told him that you believe this is an issue, and needs to be addressed?

Post # 8
Member
7429 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

@chasingcrazy:  are you getting married in a religious church? You could always try to do premarital counseling with someone who isn’t religious, so you could get some real, sound advice on what you could do. It really all depends on if you can deal with this and accept him for the way he is. The last thing you want is to get married, realize it isn’t working for you, and start thinking of ways to make it work…without him.

Post # 9
Member
1109 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

It’s bothering me that he said “you’ve made it this way”. First of all, if he feels that way he better explain why, and tell you what you can do to make him more comfortable having sex. Second of all, it worries me that it could be a habit of his to make relationship issues “you” problems and not “us” problems. My husband is 30 and he’s no sex maniac, I think age has something to do with it, but we’re still affectionate and kissy and stuff… is your husband loving in other ways? Some couples only have sex occasionally but are intimate in other ways, you seem to be lacking in all kinds of intimacy considering you don’t feel pretty or wanted. I agree with PP, he may just have a low sex drive, but I don’t think it should get in the way of you feeling loved and valued.

Post # 10
Member
253 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

@chasingcrazy:  What are yours and his primary love languages? The key to using those to your advantage is that you need to make sure to speak HIS language, and he needs to make sure to speak yours. If his language is gifts, then you need to be intentional about making sure you leave sweet notes for him and things like that, etc. If his love language is physical affection (it doesn’t sound like it) then it is possible that he feels you don’t want it because you aren’t making any moves. My man will purposely WAIT to do anything, won’t make any moves on me, because he wants to see if I will make a move-to see if I really want it. Suggesting it verbally doesn’t do it for him. He wants me to show that I want him. Maybe something like that is happening? Maybe not?

Post # 11
Member
706 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I think that couple’s counseling with a licensed therapist is a must. The fact that he gets so defensive when you try to share your perspective leads me to believe that this is about more than just biology. I’m sure it’s embarassing for him, but he should be open to communication at least. Eight years is a long time for patterns to set in, and you should assume that things will remain the same (or get worse) if you get married, unless you two take some major steps to change your relationship.

Don’t feel like you are alone, because a lot of couples go through this. But regardless, this is a serious issue and you and your fiance need to work it out before you move forward with the wedding, IMO. You both deserve to be happy. I’m curious: how is your communication outside of this particular issue? What is your husband’s normal reaction to you bringing up a problem with him? Do you feel that you are both very open with your wants and needs, or do you tend to bottle things up?

Post # 12
Member
1132 posts
Bumble bee

Oh I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I can think many of us women can relate to the feeling unnattractive or our partners “not wanting us” type thing, at least once in our lives. First think that comes to mind is that this probably isn’t uncommon. You always hear about married couples who’s sex lives just keep dwindling. I think open communication is VERY important. It may be the fact that your Fiance is experiencing a very low sex drive?? I’m sure men feel embarassed or confused by this, since they are so sexual. It may be that he is realllllyyyy holding onto some grudges about these past arguments that you two have had, although I hope it’s not that, because that’s definitely not mature. If he’s not willing to be open about it, it’s going to leave you both in the dark until you find out what’s going on. What happens if you initiate or try to seduce him, does he turn you down?? When I feel like my SO hasn’t been as affectionate or more “distant” than normal I try to show him that I want HIM as well…It’s so hard to judge the situation without knowing the details BUT I think you guys need to really talk. I can definitely see why you’re upset and seeking help from us because no, I don’t think it’s normal if your relationship hasn’t always been this way. I wish you the best of luck hun, I hope you can get it out him!!

Post # 13
Member
171 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I am so sorry you are going through this. But unless he agrees to seek medical help and professional counseling, you should think very carefully about whether you can marry him. I think you are perfectly justified for not wanting a sex life like this forever. Who would??? This would be a deal breaker for me – not just the sex, but his unwillingness to work on issues within your relationship. 

Post # 14
Member
9 posts
Newbee

Thanks for all the support, and very helpful advice. I am at work, so sorry if I can’t touch on all the points that were made. I read each and every one, and sincerely appreciate all of you.

On a (somewhat) positive note, we had a good talk last night. I really think it was posting here that gave me the initiative to take some control over my life.

It took all of my courage to come out and say all the things that I have been bottling up (as someone else said on here). Our communication is not-so-great, in general. After going through some very rough times, I am almost afraid to inquire about issues I can see for fear he will start listing all of the negatives things that took place, on my part, and it will go down hill. Which, to be honest, is most often the case.

Our very reasonable and amicable discussion was great last night. It did result in me crying, but I think just saying everything out loud was painful and a relief.

I told him I have noticed our sex life was going down hill and asked if it was me. If he wanted someone else, if he wasn’t attracted to me… etc. You name it, I asked it. It was hard, and I was so afraid, but it was worth it. These things have to be discussed and in progress, if we are going to proceed with a future together.

He told me it was none of those things. He did say he is feeling more stressed than ever, with work and finances, and a bit concerning, he said, he didn’t feel like himself anymore.

I asked him if he just didn’t ever feel like it, or if just not with me. Was he pleasuring himself. He said no to all related to me. He said he just wasn’t ever in the mood.

He said that the things that happened in the past did affect him, and that things are not the way they used to be. But that he does want to marry me and he says he agrees we should have sex more often and we will.

I also mentioned that he doesn’t say very many nice things to me and he really felt that the nickname he calls me was virtually the same as paying me a compliment!

I told him that the lack of all of these things was making me feel old, ugly and unloved. He told me of course I am beautiful and that those things are not true.

Anyway, it was a small step forward and he was trying to make an effort at being affectionate last night. A baby step for me, but at least he knows how I feel now.

To be honest, I feel a bit of relief for putting it out there and making him talk about, but I honestly don’t know if this is where I want to be in my relationship. I still feel like so many important aspects of a loving relationship, are missing and I just don’t know if he is capable of giving me what I need.

Counseling is a great idea, in fact, I think extremely important for us. Now, to just get him to go with me…

I have a lot to think about right now.

Anyway, I just wanted to give a quick update and say thank you to everyone for being so compassionate and helpful.

If anything new comes up, I’ll post later. I’m on my break at work right now.

Thank you to all of you!

Post # 15
Member
9 posts
Newbee

I am going to try to address all the points made. Please tell me if I miss one. I really appreciate all the input.

@MrsSl82be:  I agree, we definitely need some counseling and yes, we are getting married in a religious church. I only hope he will go with me. He is a bit stubborn and often refuses to take responsibility for any fault or flaw in the relationship; which is something he has been working on.

 

@Moja Milosc:  Him saying, “you have made things this way” really stung me. In fact, I was a mess for a few days about it. Again, this ties into the issue of him not taking any accountability for his actions. He hasn’t yet explained that statement, although I did ask and I think he may have just said that he expected I knew what he was referring to. (again, likely our previous fights)Also, another point you made about affection, funny thing is, he thinks he is affectionate. He thinks that just calling me a pet name is being affectionate! We are so different.

@nikole.powell.np:  Honestly, I can’t remember what our love languages were, but as I had already suspected, they are very different. I just know he shows love by doing something for me, putting my wash in, ordering my favourite food… and I like to say things that are kind. So I suppose we would both ‘assume’ that the other would reciprocate in the same way we give it. Which I suppose is pretty helpful to notice. Thanks for mentioning the love languages! I’m going to take the test again and let you know.

I remember reading it and the suggestions of how to balance between the differences and immediately feeling defeated. I have asked him time and time again for small tokens of affection and he just can’t seem to make good on it. He listens and says he will try and then.. doesn’t.

 

@mckernae:  Thanks for reminding me not to feel alone. I guess it is just hard to see that others may be going through it or have gone through it, when you are in it. All I notice are the ones that are ‘in love’ and all over each other. Maybe cause I’m trying to compare.

I also agree that his defensive tone just gets us nowhere. It makes me avoid bringing up things that really need to be discussed, and I find his attitude to be a touch immature in this way. It is also very hard to hear negative things and I find when we have deep discussions, it makes me feel worse as it seems to be an endless list of my ‘flaws’.

In any case, a bit changed last night, as I said, and we have made a small step forward.

@Jupster:  I definitely cannot go my whole life, with this type of sex life.  🙁 

Hoping for a slight change…

 

Thank you!

Post # 16
Member
174 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I considered going anon for this post, but I figured what the hell…

Anyway. chasingcrazy believe it or not I’ve been considering posting about this exact issue for the last few days and the only difference between your post and what I would have put is that you put it first.

I’ve been with my fi for nearly 4 years and while I love him and know he loves me we have the exact same intimacy issue. I’ve got a much higher sex drive than him and I’ve never made a secret of that. When we first got together we didn’t sleep together for a couple of months. I wanted to wait, because I knew from the word go that this was going to be a significant relationship for me and wanted to make our first time together special.

And when we did start sleeping together it was hot. We slept together every time we saw one another for 6 months or so and it was the best I’ve ever had. Over the years it has slowed down as it naturally does in a relationship and now we have sex about once a month, it’s always me who initiates it and sometimes I actually get turned down and I always feel so rejected.  Usually exuses the issue by saying I can’t just jump on him and expect him to be turned on, but even when we “plan” sex its never him that comes on to me.

We’ve discussed it over the years, he always agree that he could make more of an effort but for some reason or another it never changes anything.  Sometimes when I want to do it, he says not now but “tomorrow” and I feel like he’s haggling with me about when we are allowed to do it and frankly it hurts. 

The strange thing is when we do have sex it’s still good, and sometimes elborate, so it puzzles me that it’s such a struggle to get it more. He’s very affectionate with hugs and saying “i love you” and when we go to sleep every night, he holds me so close like he’d never let me go.

The problem between you and me is essentially the same. I’m scared. Scared that this is it for the rest of our lives. I think we have a fantastic relationship for the most part and sometimes I think that what we have in other areas of our lives makes up for the sex- ie. I’d rather be with him with less sex than be with someone I couldn’t trust or who didn’t make me truely happy.

I’m not offering up any advice, since I’m in the same situation, but just wanted to let you know, you’re not alone with this feeling. Let me know if you have a break though, I could use the insight!

 

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