(Closed) Zero sex life — before the wedding?

posted 8 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 17
284 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I’m so sorry that you are going through this. I have to say though that I’ve been in this place before, only I was the one that was pushing my fiance away (the first guy I was engaged to, not my current husband). That being said, I didn’t really realize it until after we separated…we were both stressed from work, moving in together, I was finishing school, getting engaged, planning a wedding, purchasing a home, etc. I chalked it all up to the fact that we were stressed. I never really looked any deeper than that. When we seperated a month before the wedding, the first thing my cousin asked me (she was the only other person in our ENTIRE family to go thru divorce/separation) was “how was your sex life for the past several months” — “umm, pretty non-existent”. It was honestly the writing on the wall for us, and we should have seperated a long time before we did. I know other couples who have been in the same situation. My ex and I decided not to go to counseling or attempt to pursue a continued relationship, but I know deep down that if we would have we would have continued to uncover other issues within the relationship that would have led us down the same path–just longer and more drawn out. In my situation, things are very different this time around, and I think others have touched on the fact that their relationships are different. It doesn’t matter how much or what we argue about throughout the day, how tired/stressed we are, etc…hubby and I never have an issue becoming intimate. It’s just different than it ever was before with the “wrong” person.

I do wish you the best of luck, none of this is easy and its important to ensure that you are happy in all parts of your relationship.

Post # 18
253 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

@chasingcrazy:  I am glad you guys were at least able to touch on the subject. Please keep us updated if things get bettter or worse. Wishing the best!

Post # 20
18628 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

That’s really tough.  I think you two might want to consider counseling, especially since he seems to be holding onto grudges from fights that the two of you have had years ago.

Over time a relationship does slow down, but it sounds like the two of you never had a super active sex life.  I would still consider talking to someone about your relationship though.

Post # 21
284 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I’m sorry =( I didn’t mean to imply that you were going to end up with the same outcome that I did, I just wanted to point out that even though everything may seem ideal, that if you really reflect you may find that sex is just guise that other issues are hiding behind. Hindsight is 20/20 and like I mentioned, I would have never thought while going through that breakup that we had any problems…good luck with everything!

Post # 22
1102 posts
Bumble bee

Is it possible he is asexual? The fact it’s always been that way makes me think maybe he is? There’s low sex drive and then there’s no drive. Maybe you could find some information online that would help. My Darling Husband and I have been together 9 years and we don’t do it 9 times a week like we did at the beginning, but usually we’re still 3-4 times a week (except at the moment…I’m 10 weeks pregnant and very tired and nauseous!)

Post # 24
1575 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Is he intimate in ways other than sexual? You know, hugging, kissing, snuggling, etc.? The loss of sex might be tolerable for some (not for me and FH and I are in our 50s!) but a complete lack of intimacy would be really difficult to live with IMO.

Post # 26
5158 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

I know this is a couple weeks old, and I have not read all the replies…but I had to write as your story reminded me much of my relationship with my common-law partner. What pinged it for me was your mention of him holding onto things forever.


By the time we broke up, our “gap” from the last time we had sex was….1.5 years! And no, not by my choice!


For him, it was definitely emotionally related. He was full of resentment for things I had thought had been resolved, and he distanced himself and shut down sexually. He was not willing to go to counseling or address the issue, so we broke up (and in retrospect I wish I had not waited so long…). And he too had just a crushed sex drive and little physical response (even in the morning)

It is night and day with my husband!

I hope this is not the case for you. I would sit down with him and have an honest conversation with him about how this is affecting you, and your relationship. I would also be clear that there would be no wedding as long as things continued like this (and that even the relationship may be up for debate). I would ask him to go to the doctor, and if no physical reasons could be found I would also be looking into therapy, including sexual therapy, and I would be asking him to attend. You most definitely do not need a celibate life if you do not want one.

Post # 27
57 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I’m actually at the other end of the spectrum here. I’m the one who has a difficult time with sexuality. This has been an ongoing issue for me since I was a child and I’m still unable to pinpoint what exactly bothers me. I was in a sexually fantastic relationship before my fiance, but it was purely physical and I became extremely emotionally damaged from the relationship. After that, I think my lack of sexual interest has absolutely nothing to do with my fiance, but everything to do with my lack of self-confidence and fear of vulnerability. Though I intellectually know that my fiance won’t hurt me, it’s hard to open myself up in a sexual way to him because I felt like my sexuality was so horribly abused. My fiance and I have a difficult time with this, and he’s so wonderfully patient even though I know it bothers him. I’m sure it’s difficult for you as well…but please continue being patient with your fiance. Maybe something is going on underneath the surface that he’s unwilling to address. I’m so thankful to be with someone who is concerned enough to work with me through this issue. I’m sure it’ll be better one day, but it definitely has been and will continue to be a long road ahead of me.

Post # 28
995 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@chasingcrazy:  Everyone has different sex drives, but it sounds like this is more than a little rut, it’s becoming a pattern


I say, go to counseling–I know guys cringe when they hear that–but at the same time, the longer you go without sex, the less you want sex–sometimes just going to a relationship counselor and talking out your problems can make you feel in the mood to be intimate


If he out and out refuses to go, go yourself—he may  be more open to go with you in the future when he sees that you’re going tooy

I’m not saying that you’re crazy or anything–counseling isn’t just for crazy people! But it sounds like you and your fiance have some stuff to work out


To answer your question of is it normal—-well I’ve been with my fiance for almost 5 years and we have sex quite often–used to be every day–now it’s 3-4 days a week


But with my exhusband…..not so much…turns out he was cheating–not to say that is the case with your relationship, I have no idea–just that it can be a red flag

Post # 29
59 posts
Worker bee

I have no suggestions, but just letting you know you’re not alone. I could have written this post. 🙁 I hope there are some good suggestions on here because I need them too!

Post # 30
327 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013 - Canal St Inn

@MsGuinness:  Ditto. You are definitely not alone. I have no advice either, but you’ve inspired me to go talk about this with him. I just hope that he really listens to me instead of just hearing the words I say.

Post # 31
1212 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I’m in the same boat ladies. You aren’t alone! I’m trying to look for a councellor for us. But I also plan to go alone as well, I feel I need to sort out my thoughts on the matter too. Being rejected constantly has resulted in my self esteem taking a beating.

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